December 25-29, 2008

Record snow fall just wouldn’t stop and to make matters worse the temperatures would not rise so what should have been a usual once in a while snow storm became a disaster for most. Some how I bucked up, crossed my fingers and made it to work every day. It meant I had to get up at 1:30 am to run before there were any cars out as the streets were the only areas somewhat clear. Actually the first few days of the snow I was running with my spikes as we don’t get snow on a regular enough basis to have plows enough to clear the roads, lets just say running in over 10 inches of snow feels like running in quicksand, and a 40 minute run became 60 minutes though I didn’t run any further.

By Christmas eve we were still fairly snow bound but I was managing to get around ok and there appeared to be a light at the end of the snow. My boss let me go at 10 am though I had arrived well before 5 am so a half day was already well past, this was perfect though as I needed to get a new battery for the kawi in hopes this would solve my problem, no such luck. I put in the new battery and nothing. I called the shop and said to David get ready to pick her up on the 2^nd she won’t start. I would put her on the charger and continue to try to start her every other day hoping just hoping as the temperatures warmed she would decide she wanted to start. I shoveled snow every night that I got home for at least 30 minutes trying desperately to stay on top of it and get down to the pavement. Even as much as I work out my arms were starting to hurt after 7 straight days of shoveling wet heavy snow.

Christmas came and went, wet rain mixed with snow meant difficult walks on streets that were plowed desperately trying to stay out of the way of traffic. I found myself alone again at the movies, the only one in the theater alone; this time a father and daughter did sit in my row but made a point of sitting as far from me as they could and still be in my row, while the rows around me filled with people not leaving any room between their party and another. Ah just loving this I must have cooties thing.

I saw Bedtime Stories with the last of my movie passes, luckily my sister had come through for me with a new card filled for me to go alone again and again to the movies; oh yeah. Actually, I am starting to get the hang of this especially since my brain is on permanent denial that I can’t ride. Well almost permanent denial, I have been slowly digging a path to the street big enough for the bike and my feet if I need to stop. Sunday I would make it to the street and clear a path for me to turn the bike around in the drive to back her into the garage, but I still wasn’t brave enough to take her out as the streets still had areas with compressed snow and ice, but I was ready and the duc started without pause.

Friday I arrived at work a little after 4 am and by 2:30 pm when the snow started again I told the sales guys I was gone at 3 pm, I just couldn’t bare the prospect of fighting the shopping crowd home in the snow. The drive home was somewhat uneventful until I had to get down my drive and I slid into the garage barely missing the side of the wall, back out I went to shovel some more though I truly wanted to have one day off no such luck.

Saturday and I have a list of things to do, I have decided the mold on my futon has gotten to bad and it could not be healthy for me to sleep on it. After over 10 years the mattress was still in perfect condition other then the mold that had developed where condensation builds on the metal frame, unfortunately it was not drying or going away and it was now getting worse. Tons of things have broken lately reminding me just when you think you have caught up unexpected bills and repairs come in to remind you you really aren’t that far from the street.

I scooted up to Walmart as online it showed they had a really good price on a nice futon, what I didn’t realize is they wouldn’t stock them. It was cold and I needed to waste time not to mention make the drive worthwhile so for the first time ever I actually took the time to walk up and down every aisle. Oh my goodness I could not believe the prices, I hadn’t planned on buying anything but when I saw the cereal I normally pay $4 for at $1.98 I couldn’t resist! And a bra for $6 who ever heard of that! The drive definitely paid for itself and I would have to make this drive the next time I needed some of the processed foods I eat. I didn’t check in the meat section as I had too much too do and couldn’t leave the meat in the truck, but maybe next time. I loved too that they had hard to find flavors of things I love!

Back on the road, down to do more errands/shopping before sneaking over to meet for a few minutes. I managed to call my grandmother to say hi, it is really hard she wants so badly for me to come visit but I just don’t know how I will ever be able to swing it so I don’t lie when I tell her I will visit but I just don’t know how or when. I find holiday cards discounted to next to nothing I will store for next year; though few reciprocated the one year I didn’t send a card I heard about it from just about everyone!

Quick stop at the meeting before going to three more stores to look at mattresses. I had parked at Sears and was walking to the two other stores; thinking to myself that most would have gone into Sears, not found what they wanted, driven to the parking lot across the street to the next store and then to the third store, something I just can’t comprehend even with the deep icy snow – so I walk.

I arrived to find I had come to the smaller of the two bed stores, and the man I had called the day before pointed back to the Sears and the building next to it showing me where the store was I wanted. I headed over, noticing out of the corner of my eye a man running in work clothes through the ice covered parking lot. The man turned out to be the sales man who was helping me, he had forgotten the guy who was to open the second store was running late so he ran through the parking lot to help me!

We talked about various options of futons, and then I asked him about beds. I explained it had to be a twin as everything in my house has to be light enough that I can move it myself as I never get help when I move. So we looked at twin beds – do you have any idea how much a bed costs now-a-days! Over $300 just for a twin that you could sleep on without having your back cease up. Standing next to one mattress in the stacks I asked if it was a twin (the stand them like books so you can only see the side with the posted price) he said yes. I stuttered and said I had to be honest there is no way I would spend $1200+ for my kids bed; he laughed and said they don’t sell many of these though in Queen and King size they do – well that makes perfect sense. He told me it was last years model and wasn’t selling so he could give it to me for 50% hello I still didn’t have $600+ to spend on a bed!

I told him I would think about it as I had a few more stores to get to and I needed to decide if I wanted a new futon or to go to a bed. I headed out to the other store and was so disappointed, jumped in the truck and drove it around to pick up the futon at the bed store.

The salesman was still there, and I just walked in and said ok ring it up before it starts to rain again. One man rang me up and the salesman double wrapped the futon in plastic for the drive home. The man ringing me up asked if I had help when I got home to unload it and I explained no that everything I brought home I had to be able to move myself. He smiled and suggested I go out in the parking lot and ask a nice man to help me. I would relay this story to my mom that afternoon saying talk about a pick up line – hey could you follow me home and help me bring my bed in the house!

I would find myself again walking for hours thinking about my day chatting with my mom and a friend on the cell phone; lucky the rain was holding off so I could. When I wasn’t chatting I was thinking how horrified I was this morning when I saw an HGTV special on the decorating of the White House; I guess I hadn’t ever thought about it too much just knowing they had a tree and such. The and such is what was causing me huge discomfort, the lists of quantities of wreaths, lights, greenery, food went on and on. The number of fake cookies they created to hang on the trees could have fed every homeless person in the city! My heart was aching and I was trying not to get upset, but the more I thought about the money wasted to decorate the house the more hurt I became. I could think only of the oldest Seattle shelter closing down this month because they couldn’t afford to stay open, all the people I know who have gotten ill but could not afford to get healthcare, all the people who lost jobs this year – and yet thousands of dollars worth of decorations were filling the White House. I had to think of something else it was just too much to bare.

Sunday, and though I have dug a path to the street the duc costs too much to fix and dropping it would not be a cool thing; so I check the tire pressure start it up and try to start the kawi to no avail. I switch the old futon with the new, pushing and dragging with all my might to do it wishing I had friends to help; not happening. I clean again and again, and work out again and again to waste time until the dump opens and I can rid myself of the futon.

I arrive at the dump, get in line behind a few pickups and wait. As I pull forward ready to pay $17 to dump, the man at the desk says that is all you have a mattress, yup, you know it is a 320 minimum right, yes but this is all I have, ok tell you what just dump it then drive out the back, really, yes, wow thanks! I pull around and can’t for the life of me get the stupid thing out of the truck over the foolish rail. I am pushing and pulling, when a man pulls up next to me and without pause asks if he can help – sure two seconds it is up and out of the truck! Oh to have that kind of strength. I thank him and ask if I can help him he smiles and says no thanks, so off I go to head out for a long cold walk.

I find every business has been hit when I go to fake and bake and am met with an “out of business” sign – I wonder how I might get my money back but figure I am out of luck, so off to find a new fake and bake place. The sun is breaking through and I am tempted to try to ride, but by now I have been up since 2 am and have been working hard since then and just finishing up a four hour walk, probably not the best time to try my hand at riding in the snow. So instead I head home to try to rest up before work tomorrow.

November 15-16, 2008

Coughing, hacking it more like it; I had no idea how hard it would be to ride when you cough so hard you feel as if you might throw up! But I digress, let’s start on Wednesday. The crud has been running rampant in our office, and though I use Purel and Clorox Wipes religiously (until my hands bleed) I caught it, time off not happening I am the only one who knows what I do and can do it right now with all the turnover in our firm, so I persevere.

By Thursday my voice was going fast and my boss told me to take Friday off, no such luck I had appointments up the wazzu and too much work to do. I arrived Friday with no voice, I emailed out to everyone that I could not talk and to email or IM me if they needed anything. I tried desperately to leave early no such luck, got home and crashed hard.

Up on Saturday I don’t have much time to ride but I am determined no matter how sick I am to ride it is dry out and not too cold I can’t let a day like today go without a ride, I have to be home by 8:30 am so I am off after a hard workout and quick clean. I head south as that appears to be the driest area, down I-5 to 169, though it is dark and about 40 I am just thrilled it is dry and no fog, how wonderful is that. I don’t want to stop riding but I know that I have to get back in time for my volunteer interview at the local hospital. As I loop down 169 I encounter a road closed sign and detour, turns out the bridge on 169 was having issues so I took the detour. I missed one of the signs to turn, well I saw it but too late, so I just kept going figuring worse case I could just turn around and go back the way I came. I had the most marvelous ride, the skies brightened and I could see the outline of the mountain, I meandered on roads I had never been on until somehow I ended up on the Kent-Kangley Road, I hooked back up with 167 so I could take 18 North and get a few more glimpses of the mountain. At North Bend I head northwest on 203/202 all the way to Duvall where I start toward home knowing time is running short, but happy just the same.

I stop briefly at Whole Foods for a little popcorn and as I make my way through the check out my age truly hits me. The woman checking me out says you have an air popper – nope I just use a paper bag – huh – you know a paper bag in the microwave. She has no idea what I am talking about, for those of you too young to remember pre-microwave manufactured popcorn we all just used to put it in a plain brown paper bag and nuke it. The woman bagging didn’t get it either and I had to explain in detail the whole process –man did I feel old.

Finally home I am off to visit with the volunteer coordinator at the hospital, I am really excited I know I can do this and I will get to spend time helping people. I arrive a few minutes early, but she is also there, we speak in length about the various opportunities and determine I would fit best in the rehab area on Saturday mornings, I sign all the paperwork and then she hits me with the bomb. It turns out the medical process is three step and would require I take 3 half days off from work in a 10 day period, there goes all hope I am so bummed that I am almost crying. I ask her if there is any other way to do the medical, and she says no their hours are M-W-F 7-10 and 1-4 pm! This is not fair to every working person there is no way, unless you own your own business or have too much vacation time that you could fit this into a work day. I am not willing to give up yet, I figure I will go into work on Monday and look at my remaining vacation days and my bosses schedule to see if I can fit it in – Monday I realize I cannot and send her a nice but not happy email.

My walk was amazingly long, since my interview was done early and I didn’t have to work I walked for 4-1/2 hours! As I am very ill I was not doing particularly well by the time I got home, but so be it.

Sunday, and I am feeling worse than yesterday but today is the only day I can actually get in a decent ride so though the fog is thick and it is colder then yesterday I refuse to let one ride day go. I work out then put my no-knead bread in the microwave. I have heated a cup of water to boiling to sit alongside the bread– the house is not warm enough for the bread to rise so I put it in the microwave with a cup of hot water to keep the temperature up; when I get home I will re-heat the water and by the time I am done with my walk I will have a nice big loaf. I check the temperatures and oddly enough it is warmer and dryer north than south so that is where I head.

Straight up I-5 after filling up at $2.60 a gallon – can you believe it! My gosh, I even heard the median house price in my area has dropped 11%! Gosh I only wish I knew if I would have a long term job then I might jump on that band wagon. The scary part of this recession is the number of homes in this part of town that were under construction that have not been worked on for weeks, some even months, it is truly scary when a neighborhood with nothing going for less than a mil stops building.

I am not really sure where I want to go I just want to ride. I know gas at this hour will be hard to come by so when I reach Bellingham before turning east I try to find a gas station with a bathroom open at this hour on a Sunday. I have to drive all the way into old town, but that works when I find cheap gas and a clean bathroom, one more to put on list of good places to stop. Then back on the road due east toward Sumas and route 9. It is still really dark but no matter the roads are dry and the traffic is light, this too will change when the snow levels lower and skiers start driving up to the slopes, so for now I will enjoy the peace.

Finally, as the skies lighten my mind turns back to the beauty of the area from the thoughts that have been plaguing me –one more Thanksgiving alone, one more year without a date, a kiss, or even a man noticing me – though I will say I once again received a comment from a woman about my physique. I was in the Lucy store and the manager noted I had beautiful legs, I said thank you but realized that was the first time in years that anyone has made comment that something about me was beautiful. I find it amazing that woman are much more vocal on their opinions of my stature then men, when I have absolutely no interest in attracting woman though I have never been approached in that way at this point I figure any notice is much better than no notice at all. Oh and of course the mom had to comment that it was all my fault that I didn’t stay up late enough, I asked what I would do at 6 pm that I can’t do in the morning, she said meet someone, I said what at home in front of the tv as that is where I would be and she stopped as she didn’t have an answer for that rebuttal.

So on I ride ignoring the nasty voices in my head bringing me down and instead appreciating every spec of beauty that surrounded me. I see the gorgeous mountains coming to light, the moss draped trees, I smell the thick dampness of winter and I am content. I ride back roads all the way home, arriving in plenty of time to rake for about a hour; not warming or breaking a sweat though the leaves were soaked and heavy. I tried to warm on the stationary bike to no avail, giving up finally and heading out for my walk this time to last 3-1/2 hours. I walk and dream of turkey and stuffing, I am hording cheap pieces no one eats or buys of turkey I find when I shop figuring I will make it on Thanksgiving so at least I can have some. I dream of mashed potatoes and gingerbread, apple pie and all the other miscellaneous items that would end up on the table including my grandmother’s kugel, which I adored (as long as she didn’t put the raisins in).

Though I am very sick overall the weekend was wonderful, I managed to get in 126 miles on Saturday and 190 on Sunday, with more walking then any one should do, and even enjoyed the smell of fresh baked bread upon my return on Sunday.

The week has been long and hard so far at work, made worse by this ridiculous cold, thus the delay in this posting. I will thank Dr Phil who’s show I caught the other day on obese children, for noting that the parents were to blame and I was so pleased to see that two times in the recent past children have been removed from their parents home due to child abuse via obesity – Yeah finally someone gets it.

Let’s hope this cold will be done soon and my head won’t be so loopy.

November 7-9, 2008

Thursday was bad it was raining so hard I was actually scared riding home on the Ninja, the tires are just too skinny. So I knew Friday with all the flooding and standing water it would be the duc to work, or maybe even the truck, I figured I would decide while I ran. I started my run prepared to get wet, but wet wasn’t even the word for it by the time I got home, soaked to the bone was more like it right down to the skivvies. At lease I saw my local owl this morning silently swooping over head.

I could not bear the thought of driving as I knew I would be duc’less on Sunday so I took the bike to work. My co-workers all commented that I was on the big bike, seems they do pay attention. My ride home was so much quicker than normal, it still shocks me how much faster I can get home on the duc.

I rise Saturday and know though I don’t have much time to ride and the weather is not really cooperating that ride I must. I have until 8:30 am or so as I promised Mark he could get the bike any time after 9 am, he is still working on some sort of custom parts and needed to borrow her again for a test fit. I head out the door early in the darkness up through Kirkland into Juanita and out to Lake City. I can’t see much in the dark and the leaves on the ground mean I am riding cautiously, but no matter the temperatures are bearable. I take I-5 south to I-90 east out to North Bend, the skies are desperately fighting to lighten. Ahead I see a painted light gray streak across the sky and at first am not certain what is causing it, when I realize the blackness surrounding the light are the horrible rain clouds threatening to pour down. It is an amazing sight this strange light gray glowing streak across a pitch black sky, but it gives me hope that today will end as they have predicted with more sun then rain.

I head northwest out of North Bend, through Carnation, Duvall and into Monroe, when I hit Route 522 back towards home. A brief stop at the local Whole Paycheck for items I can’t get anywhere else before pulling the bike in the drive at a perfect little after 8 am.

I pull my cell phone from my bag to check it and find I have several messages, this concerns me as I know my parents are in Florida visiting my Grandmother who is 95! I listen only to find my mother is upset I have not returned her call from yesterday which I did not receive until late so was waiting to call them back, and my sister reiterating that my parents were worried I had not returned their call. So first a quick buzz to my parents. I tried to explain I can’t call them during work and that by the time I get home it is too late to call them on the east coast, not to mention at 8:30 am their time it is 5:30 am my time which means I am riding so I can’t answer the phone. Then I call my sister who informs me that of everyone in my family who has known me since birth only my sisters child knew exactly why no one could find me at 5:30 am my time! She simply told my sister to stop freaking out I was probably on a ride – how right she was. It is funny how she and I seem to have some sort of weird connection.

I only hit one major down pour in all of the 125 miles I ride, though dark gray and foreboding, I am happy to have not encountered too much nasty weather. It is raining hard though when I leave the house to walk to work and I wonder how bad it will be when I am done with my duties there. I arrive to no cheery smile from Mark who is now at Boeing again, but Dave is more than happy to chat and Brian seems in good spirits. I have no calls to make instead today I am just adding some to the list I am developing for my next round of calls. I am in the office just a ½ hour enough time to dry most of my gear and for the sun to break through. I scoot upstairs to use the facilities and run into an old boyfriend. We chat a bit about what is going on, he attempts to convince me to come over and see his house which I haven’t ever seen as I just am never in Seattle any more. He says to call when I am done with the Mission on Sunday, I tell him I will try but that likely I won’t as when I finish at the Mission I am usually starving and just want to go home.

I wander north of the shop in the area I have just recently started to explore more and more. I know I have about 4-5 hours to waste, it is times like this that I wish I had others to spend time with but no such luck so I walk to waste time. The area is beautiful, and very hilly so I am definitely getting a workout. The streets are quiet here which is nice and as I pass by a school they are just finishing up a little kid soccer game. I wonder why it is that the fathers always come to the games in the rain and I rarely see mothers, perhaps it is the mothers chance for some alone time or the fathers opportunity to spend one on one time with the children.

I make my way back toward town I need to stop at the library for more books and something to watch when I workout; this time of year though the temperatures rise a bit during the day I can feel quickly as the afternoon wanes the temperatures dropping off fast. I am glad as it nears 3 pm that I have my extra pants to slide on if it gets too cold, but for now I am still fighting winter in my shorts. A cool 4-1/2 hours later and I can barely stand and am dizzy but that is fine.

Sunday and my duc is gone, not to worry I must get to the mission by 6:30 am and I will be there until 9:00 am or later depending on how much clean up we have; this would take up all my usual riding time anyway. I arrive to find we have quite the spread today, sausage and tater tots, cereal and pastries donated by some of the best local bakeries, today the homeless will eat better than I do!

I chat with my friends who work there Diana and John, I meet a new program guy on the line and three other volunteers show up though they are not supposed to; I have been battling this issue since last year when I finally stopped coming for about 5 months, I hope that I will not have to stop again. We joke and tease to keep the spirits high and as we serve I look at as many as I can and thank them and smile. At one point I said something to one of the men in line and the smile he gave me was a shinning beacon; the volunteer beside me simply said “you just made that guys day.” That is why I do this, though I feel selfish from the joy it brings me it is ten times more joyous to know I have made someone’s day simply by recognizing them as a human being regardless of what their circumstance may be. As I drive home I have to laugh once again the only men who have paid me any attention in years are those in line to receive food or those in the program. I contemplate why it is that the only men who notice me are those with serious issues, maybe this is why I have been so unlucky in love?

I get home in plenty of time to clean some more, rake leaves – which I adore, and then head out for another excessively long walk. It is colder today but I refuse to put pants on as long as the temperatures are over 50 (though I do carry some in my pack just in case). I wonder through neighborhood after neighborhood, it is truly quiet on the road today and I wonder why the traffic is so light, not minding at all.

It starts to rain and I am getting wet and cold so into the mall I scoot to warm up and do laps inside. I find I am not the only one as I see couples in sneakers wander at a good pace on the upper level with me, this is truly wonderful to see others taking responsibility for their health. This brings me to an excuse – I thought I had heard every excuse in the book for not walking until a woman commented to me upon learning of my weekend walks that she couldn’t possibly walk that far as she feels guilty leaving her dog behind at home to go on a walk but her dog is too small to keep up! I will just say no comment.

In the mall I wander into William Sonoma, I do this often to dream of baking with their wondrous pots and pans and ingredients and to take in the smells as they are constantly show casing their products. Then I quickly drop into Lucy to check the sale rack for long pants, low and behold there is a pair almost 50% off that fit, I buy them only to get home and change my mind then I think about the money and will return them next weekend as I just can’t justify them with the holiday’s coming up. Though my long walking pants are getting holes and one pair is worn terribly no one gets that close to me any way or even walks with me so I will just continue wearing what I have.

I stop at the market briefly for some carrots and run into our company realtor. At first I don’t recognize him, you know that I know you from somewhere but you are out of context, it takes him a few seconds to recognize me as well. I say hi and try to let him go as we live so close we are bound to run into each other at this market often and I don’t want him to feel as if he will have to talk business, but he assures me he wants to, so I let him. After a quick discussion I head on my way back home with another 3-1/2 hour walk behind me. I know the forecast for the coming week is as bad as this week past but so be it this is winter in the PNW.

October 25-26, 2008

Several weeks ago one of two lamps in my living space bit the dust; I was not surprised I bought it over 10 years ago at Ikea and it has been through many moves. I debated buying another but figured I didn’t really need it, I had another desk lamp I could just move from one side of the room to the other as needed. Unfortunately, the other light I bought at about the same time lost it two days ago, and it was the only one in my bedroom. I debated again spending money on a new light and instead have been using my lantern flashlight to read by, but I realized when my father sent me his usual group of redneck jokes that I actually now could say I was one “You know you are a redneck if you use a flashlight as a nightlight”

Ok with the search for a light, hair appointment and some people to meet on Sunday I doubt much riding will get done this weekend, which depresses me to no end. To ease my errand running I tried to buy a lamp during my lunch hour on Friday, well actually I did buy one, then the guilt took over and I left it at the office with the receipt just in case I didn’t find something at the Goodwill on Saturday. Of course the expense of the lamp was causing me great stress as all I could think about was how much food, heat, gas I could get for $14! And why did I need a new lamp any way all my other furniture is from the Goodwill, there is no reason to buy new if you don’t have too, even my new teddy bear is new to me just homeless from someone else.

Saturday and it is not too cold but of course today I have to be at the hairdresser by 8:30 am so my ability to ride anywhere in daylight hours is pretty much shot. I head out I-405 north just to waste darkness hours, then south on I-5 in Lynnwood, all the way down to I-1-405 again where I turn north just a bit to hook up to 167 south, now the skies are barely getting light so I turn north on 18.

I am just able to make out the mountains silhouettes against the lightening skies. I know the trees must be beautiful but it is not yet light enough for me to see them yet. I am running low on gas, hoping I can make it to North Bend before I need to stop, where there is a clean bathroom and hot running water. I have felt since the first half hour of the ride the searing pain of my stones acting up, and even debated turning back toward home, but then realized what is the point it is barely 50 at the house and what would I do I have cleaned everything twice already, and done all the laundry so I ride on trying desperately to ignore the pain as it worsens.

I round the bend on I-90 for just a few until I come to the ramp for North Bend. I swing off and gas up, taking a pee stop in hopes that will relieve some of the pain. My kidneys are definitely letting me know they are not happy about something. Back on the bike with a little relief not much, but the skies are light enough I can enjoy the fall colors giving me something to think about beside the pain.

Too soon it seems it is time for me to make a run to the market then to the hair dresser; too long it seems I must sit in a chair getting my hair done. Finally, I am out the door and over to the Goodwill, where I get really lucky and a beautiful light for the bedroom for much less then the silly drugstore one, and this one is used so it has lots of personality, the shade has a little spot on it an didn’t actually come with the lamp, but it is a much better deal than the one I bought new.

Home and freezing cold even 25 minutes on the stationary bike doesn’t warm me at all so I am off for my walk, now that the sun has come out. I am so happy to get out and walking in the sun, I wander with my contentment, looking at the trees in all their glory listening to silliness on NPR. I can hear the leaves crunching under my feet as I walk, and I dream of fireplaces and roasting chestnuts, racking leaves with my dad or chopping wood. The smell of New England this time of year, is much different than the PNW.

This is the time of year where it is cool enough people are lighting fires at night but warm enough windows are open during the day, so my walks bring scents of smoking fire places tinted with the warmth of home cooked meals. Oh how I long to be a part of a family meal, to hear the bickering savor the foods I can’t cook for myself as they either cost too much or sadden me too much with the amount of leftovers. Just recently I have longed for homemade pizza but can’t justify the cost or the amount of time associated with it, so I will continue to do the bad meat no spices and whatever else doesn’t require much thought or time.

To the library I go where a much needed book awaits, right now with the extra time on the stationary bike I am ripping through 3 books a week! Home again with a cool 100+ miles under my belt on the bike, and way too many miles on my sneakers, in hopes that I won’t have too many night terrors tonight.

Sunday and it is beyond cold, there are spots within 30 miles of me showing only 32, this is not good. Fog is rampant making the possibility for a nice relaxing ride again just a passing thought. I try desperately to waste time working out, and riding the stationary bike to stay warm, finally giving up a little before 6 am. I have only until about 9:30 am to ride as I am meeting a couple I know for an hour later in the afternoon so I must be done with my ride, errands and walk by then.

Again I head out I-405 trying to waste the darkness, south to I-5 before I know how far I have gone I am in Tacoma! Yes my mind is blissfully happy, even as my body rebels from the cold. I am further buoyed by the fact that either the stones have passed or moved to a less disturbing location, though what I truly suspect is I have done my mind over matter super hero version and they are no less painful I am just ignoring it better today.

I turn north on 167 not sure where I am headed but trying to figure out where I might encounter fog and how to avoid it. I don’t get off at 169 as I know only too well 99% of the time that road is socked in good. I pass up the turn for Hobart as well, as I have tons more time before I need to head in the direction of home.

I take 18 north this time up over the ridge, it still saddens me the forest is gone and the housing development just keeps growing. I know it is inevitable but it still bothers me. The fog is definitely rolling in fast as the morning moves in, and I dread what I know I will encounter, but I dread more going home to a cold empty house with nothing to do but workout or clean, neither of which I need to do again.

I meander up 202 and 203 through Carnation and all the way up to Monroe, then hop on to Route 2 ever so briefly, before heading south on 9 toward home. I make my way to 522 and still don’t want to stop riding, so then I hook onto 520 back toward Redmond to waste more ride time. By the time I arrive home I have only managed to get in 145 miles but enough to cause me to shake with cold, and wet.

I try again to ride the stationary bike to warm up but even after 40 minutes I am still blue with cold, so I give up and head out for my walk. The forecast is for temperatures in the high 50’s to even 60’s so I layer up as when I leave the house is has just gotten up to 42, but throw a pair of shorts in my pack just in case.

Again, I am just thrilled for the sun even if is it cool. I want to just stop and lay down in it but then I would be even colder then I already am so I walk. I walk for miles and miles, enjoying the beautiful sights, I notice now that the weather has changed and gas prices decreased that the traffic has picked up, this upsets me to no end; these same people somehow figured out that walking was ok during the gas crunch but now that the weather isn’t perfect and the gas price is down the SUV’s are back out. I must say though I saw over 4 Maserati’s, and several Bentleys and that I don’t mind at all – well except I wish one of those nice looking men driving would offer me ride!

Just before I am to meet the couple I run into the market to change into my shorts it has gotten that warm! I am so happy. It is still only about 54 but you all know me anything over 50 and shorts it is. This however means that my pack is most definitely weighing me down, I have to be careful too much weight in my pack causes my knees and heels to give out.; I can’t afford for that to happen I have finally lost the few pounds all the stress at work had me put on.

I notice as I walk around the local park and the market wasting time while waiting on the couple, several couples in love. A man lifts a chain for his companion to get under, another hands over a coffee drink he just bought for her, I see an Indian family going into the local Mexican restaurant and smile at all the different people who make up the world.

I do still dream of eating out, making dinner for a family and other things I will most likely never have, but now that I have started to accept that I am too old and too lacking in whatever it is men seem to want I am coming to better terms with “alone.” I just hope I can hang on to this positive attitude through the holidays when “lonely” normally becomes unbearable.

Take care and cross your fingers next weekend I can ride a little.

October 18-19, 2008

Friday I had to take the duc to work, my day to pick up the goodies. It amazes me how much faster she is, I get to work faster and home faster, no matter the traffic just because she is that much quicker on the uptake then the ninja. It is cold, the temperatures are bouncing all over the place, and as I listen to one of the guys in our office talk about no heat (his oil tank sprung a leak), I cringe, I am without heat and will be until I can stand it no longer. The house right now is maintaining between 52 and 55, so I sleep in polar fleece and mittens, cuddle in my heated blanket to eat dinner, and don’t stay home unless I have no choice.

Well, Saturday dawned with temperatures not too low but of course today I have to work. It is dark and I am tired of riding in the pitch black already and I have six more months to go! Shoot, so I workout twice, clean again, even washing the walls just trying to keep moving so I don’t get too cold, finally giving up and out the door a little after 5.

I gas up and I am shocked to find I can fill up for under $4 a gallon; I had a conversation this week with my sister back east who is filling up at 2.99 – but we haven’t seen numbers like that here since sometime last year so I don’t set my hopes to high and at this point anything under $4 seems like a bargain. I don’t have much time and since it is dark there is nothing to see, so I head north for a bit just because. I meander up through Juanita, then south through Seattle, the skies are getting light but still with the overcast skies there is not much to see. I meander around wasting time and killing miles until I have a cool 100 in the saddle, the run some last minutes errands before pulling her into the garage and gearing up for my walk to work.

I arrive in plenty of time to start, including hearing a brief story about Dave’s computer crashing and all the data, connections, etc he lost (makes me glad I backed up my laptop this morning). I help him get things set up a little better now that he is on 2007 and I am well versed having had to re-teach all my guys how to use it the last few weeks. Sorry MS folks they really messed up with this version it is horrible I can’t use any of my quick keys, and I hate using a mouse. The only folks I can find who like the new system are those who don’t know how to type or love using a mouse. The time and thus money wasted for a business with this upgrade is huge, the down time not only for the software install but then the re-training is horrible- enough said.

Working hard to make the calls, I am bombarded with all kinds of weird stuff. One person I finally had to say can I speak to you customer to customer, and I started to tell him my thoughts on the situation until his cell phone cut off. I didn’t bother calling him back but it very much upset me more so than any other call I had made as he was instigating that David was not honest and/or that he felt our integrity was lacking. I could not believe my ears, of all the dealers I have worked with, all the service departments I have had the occasion to visit, ours is by far the most honest and trust worthy. Yes, I now help them out but I would not work for a company I did not feel was honest and trust worthy – I have quit fulltime regular employ when asked to do something or was witness to something not quite up to par! I was so hurt this was the first time I felt that I could not hold back my opinion, though I did not raise my voice or condescend I simply explained my experience in hopes that the customer would realize we were the best around. I don’t know if he actually “heard” me, if not his loss he is new to this area and just started riding again after years of being off a bike, I think he is in for a big surprise but that is not for me to say.

I couldn’t wait to be done especially since I had to make a call to my ex, he had brought his bike in for service; luckily I just got voicemail. The sun was shining but it was cool, none the less my leggings came off and shorts were on. I know two shirts, gloves and shorts go figure – but hey this is the PNW anything over 50 and shorts it is.

I meander for over three hours, I don’t want to go home the sun is out and this time of year that is so rare, but I am tired I have worked out to much already so I walk until my foot cramps up so bad I look like I have a serious injury and I am walking so slow I am barely moving.

I limp home after picking up movies at the library. The house is only 53 degrees so I bundle up and get ready for six months of perpetual cold.

Sunday, and the fog is so thick even the news is talking about it. I want to ride but I am nervous, I can see it is cold though not as cold as yesterday I have to be careful as this time of year the temperatures can drop significantly in a matter of hours making a nice ride life threatening. I look over the road temperatures and the ambient temperatures, before deciding winter routes are my only option today.

I work out hard again trying to stay warm enough before heading out. I scoot down 405 to 169 all the way out to Black Diamond, into Orting then over to Tacoma. I wanted to go further south but I could see the Olympia area was just above freezing when I left and since the fog is so thick it is like rain I knew I would be a fool to try to head that way as already the temperatures have dropped 5 degrees and are well below 40. I am not too bummed out as I start to head north I already have a comfortable 100 miles on and tons of time left before I will need to start my walk. I head north up back roads now that the skies have lightened enjoying immensely the beautiful colors that abound on the deciduous trees.

Though we are known as the evergreen state this fall the colors are glorious, probably all the rain we had this summer then the bright sunshine of the early fall. I am not a horticulturist so who knows why the colors are so prominent this year. The smells are amazing too, I can’t believe how many flowery smells there are and the lavender is intense, the evergreens seem to be giving off an odor that I have not smelled since I traveled one year through Northern California.

I wonder up through North Bend and out through Carnation and Duvall, winding my way home with a cool 185 under me by 10 am. Not great but not bad considering 80% of my ride was in the dark and fog.

Finally, home I am so cold I can’t really move my hands. I manage even after 40 minutes on the stationary bike not to break a sweat or to warm up so I give up and figure I couldn’t be much colder outside on my walk. I have to say though I love spring as it means the warmth of summer is on its way, and normally dread fall with winter not too far ahead this fall the colors and sun are definitely helping me stave off my normal SADD.

Today I will wander for almost 4 hours, having recovered from yesterday in hopes that I can keep the dreaded holiday/winter weight at bay that so many complain about; so far the last 15 years I have managed to do just that. As I arrive home I realize how lucky I am, I love my apartment and though I can afford to rent it but not heat it it is safe and quiet. Even as I walk through the door and see the unfinished wall area (landlord not finishing his work before I moved in), the carpet needs to be cleaned (well I think it does) and my nasty pile of sneakers greeting me, I smile I am home. No kitty at the door but her spirit is still here so I smile and inside know she is still with me and probably always will be.

I hope to ride next week but with a hair appointment and darkness merged with cold I have no idea if I will be so lucky; even gas prices at below 3.50 don’t help. Hope for a few more days above freezing, though I am not beating on it as I ride to work on Wednesday with the threat already of black ice and temperatures well below 40.

October 11-12, 2008

Friday it was barely 40 degrees when I rode to work. The pain in my hands was excruciating and was simply a reminder of life on a bike without heated gear, otherwise known as my winter commute. My hopes of riding at all this weekend are quickly demolished when I wake to temperatures at my house of 36 and dropping. With the fog so thick out my own windows, I know only too well that the roads will be icy, what is a girl to do chores of course.

I had very much steeled myself for a no-ride weekend and prepared with the tools necessary to work at home as long as I could manage before trying to get a ride in, now that winter is most definitely here. I had asked my landlord to leave me a caulk gun so I could caulk my shower basin, had laundry and vacuuming lined up as to-do’s and errands for later in the morning that I could run on the bike once temps rose enough for me to chance being on the roads.

As I picked, peeled and scraped away all the old caulk, and the foolish repair that didn’t hold even a week on the cracks made by heavy tenant before me, I was starting already to feel my body begin to shake from the cold. Last night the inside temperature had dropped to about 53, I had forgotten how painful that could be, but I know the heat will not come on until the house reaches 45 unless I cough up the dough to turn it on, which I am just not ready to do.

Finally, after not much work, yes it was that bad hardly any caulk was holding (only the side I had repaired myself earlier this year), I pulled out the gun and realized after a few tries that this was going to be a “Rachel” adventure. I could smell the silicone but it would not come out no matter how many times I squeezed the trigger. I looked at the clock and found I had about an hour and a half before Home Depot would open, so commenced cleaning the house for the third time this week! Finally, it was time to head out.

I walked up to the helpdesk pulled out the gun and handed it to the nice man behind the counter, he smiled and asked the usual did you cut the end – yes – did you poke a hole – yes – did you really go far in with the hanger – yes – well the canister must be empty – it was brand new I explained to him. He took the canister from the gun –something I was not strong enough to do, and we both saw that it was defective the end piece that would allow pressure to push the silicone out was missing; what a mess the gun was. He explained I would need to start again and to be careful about cleaning the gun.

Taking full advantage of an empty store and a knowledgeable man I mentioned my cracked shower stall. He called over to another man and they agreed I needed a special kit, I asked also if he could help me pick out the correct caulk as I wasn’t too certain my landlord had given me the right stuff.

Before I left I had shower stall repair kit and caulk in my hands for the huge sum of almost $36. I could only hope my landlord would repay me, or a week’s worth of groceries just paid for my repairs. Home again and I begin my repairs, it looks like my opportunity to ride is slipping away much too fast. The caulking goes smoothly I have done this before, and a couple of guys I know sent some suggestions to help. Then it is time for me to try to fix the shower pan, I am nervous my landlord has tried three or more times unsuccessfully, the time prior to this last fix held about 2 years only because I am light enough it didn’t put too much pressure on the cracks. I crossed my fingers I could do this and proceeded to read and read the instructions several times, as they required mixing certain amounts of each chemical into a cup with only about 15 minutes of time to apply before things started to harden.

Now the smell of this bondo like product is so strong, I am forced to run the bathroom fan and open the windows! Keep in mind it is but 35 degrees, I am sitting on cold bathroom tile trying to fix what my landlord should have repaired before I moved in almost three years ago. I try work quickly, using leftover puppy mats from my kitty owning days to prevent any chemicals from damaging the bathroom tiles, and hoping beyond hope that though I have never done this before and the directions on the package are horrific that I won’t cause a terrible chemical reaction and that the fix might actually work.

I finish quickly and reviewing my work smile but don’t get too excited as until the 2 hours for curing are up I won’t know for sure if I mixed the chemicals together in the proper portions. Rather than dwell on the possibility I totally messed up and the expense I might have to incur to put a new shower pan in I head out to ride. The temperatures have not dropped so I take my chances that I can ride for a little while then start to do my errands on the bike as long as I stick to the main roads with low speed limits.

I head north through Kirkland, and wonder to myself where all the exercisers are. Where do all the people I see all summer long walking and running along this road go in the winter? Do they stop working out? Do they actually go inside? I can’t imagine being inside for extended periods of time running on a treadmill, but then most can’t figure out how I do it in the rain, snow, hail, etc.

I ride up through Juanita and into Bothell, it is cold and I can feel it through every layer I have on. I scoot into Seattle then over onto I-5 south. Oh how I hate I-5 just south of Seattle, there are these horrible metal things, expansion joints I think, that have been driven over so many times I actually either get slammed hard or have been known to catch air every time I hit one. Thank goodness I don’t need to go to the bathroom, I have been on this part of the road when I did and it is no fun.

Finally, I turn north on 405 it is time for me to start heading toward my first errand a teddy bear. I have tried really hard not to buy one, asking my sister and others if they could donate to the cause to no avail. I have tried to go without hearing over and over from the single no more guru’s that you should never have a teddy bear on your bed; reasons range from major turn off to the male species to bad karma if you want to find someone to fill that space I give up there is not a guy who will look twice at me or speak to me and the night terrors are so horrific lately I just need something to hold on to so Goodwill here I come.

I have to wait a few minutes before the doors open, and when they do I have no idea where in the store I must go as I have never looked for toys here, but I know they must have them. Sure enough there are shelves filled with homeless stuffed animals in ever size and type. I know this is crazy but I actually feel bad for all these homeless toys, and all the children who are without right now who could have one. I reach for light brown mass and find myself immediately draw to this soft beige puff in my hands with a simple red bow under her chin. I grab hold of a few others, guiltily putting them back each time almost like going to an animal shelter and only being able to pick one, I know the one in my hand my first choice was put there for a reason she is perfect. I check the price and at $1.50 I know she and I will go home together. Before leaving the store I double check the clothes area to see if there is anything in my size, no luck there, make my purchase and tuck her securely into my Ventura pack.

Now I am off to the Kawasaki dealer for oil and a filter for the Ninja, the over to REI for Nicwax, and finally home to head out for my walk having accomplished all that I set out to do. As I enter the house the smell of the chemicals assaults me though I left the bathroom window open and the house is now hovering at 50 I am forced to open the bedroom window too, otherwise I won’t be able to sleep at home. I toss the teddy bear in the laundry (not knowing where she was before I figured she needed a bath), with a few other items. Then I head out for my walk I don long pants though I hate the thought and head out with hot hands in my gloves, refusing to go so far as to don a hat just yet.

As I walk I breath in the beautiful fall air. I notice people are not walking as they have been this whole summer, instead the cafes are filled with people sitting around, I can’t even imagine sitting around for hours or for that matter having the money to waste on a coffee that takes me two seconds to drink (thank goodness people give me Starbucks cards). I wander down roads I haven’t in a while, with no particular destination in mind, my last errand will be the library for more books. I manage to walk for over 3 hours even after the fiasco this morning, and though I will not be able to ride at all tomorrow I tell myself it is for a good cause as tomorrow I will be back at the mission the one volunteer group that wants my help.

Sunday and just my luck it is actually well above freezing and today is the one day I can’t ride because I have to go to the mission. I don’t need to leave until after 6 am so I am forced again to keep myself occupied in a cold house, this includes more cleaning, washing my motorcycle gear, and attempting to change the oil on the Ninja.

Yes that is right attempting, this is going to be one of those “Rachel” adventures – I thought Saturday was enough no such luck. It is barely 45 in the garage and dark, so flash light in hand I remove all the plastic, have I mentioned recently how much I hate farings, down on my knees on the freezing concrete trying to dislodge the filter. I learned the hard way to always make sure I can get the filter off before draining all the oil out. The filter will not budge. I am running out of time so I replace all the plastic figuring when I get home from the mission I will ride her a few miles to warm her up and try again.

I arrive at the mission and my happy meter raises tenfold, when I see Dianna and James and everyone else I remember it is like old home day. Hugs all around I get started working immediately. A woman arrives who should not have been there but I make the best of it and plan on notifying my coordinator on Monday of this gaffe. My adoptive friend arrives a little while later and taking charge I put everyone on their spots on the line. We start to serve at 7 am and though they had 296 yesterday we have a slow day today with about 150 coming through. The good thing about these low numbers is the excess of food, and our ability not only to feed everyone but to call seconds.

Finished a little after nine I head home to try the Ninja again. It is when I pull in the drive I realize all my gear is in the washing machine and I need to ride; thank goodness for two of almost everything. I don my old riding jacket but am not sure where my other pants are, I can not abide riding without gear but I also need to get the bike out. I have heard that jeans can withstand 20 mph crashes so I figure if I ride down my street then up the road with the 5 speed bumps and the max speed limit of 25 mph I will be as safe as I can considering. As I head out down my road I am trying not to think about the “no riding pants” and how scary this is, I have no idea how people ride like this on a regular basis, I even put on an extra pair of pants for good measure. I make it up and back without incident, and try again to get the oil changed.

This time I feel the filter loosen and sigh with relief; then my sigh turns to panic when I realize the socket has gone on crooked and I can’t get it off the bolt! I mange to dislodge the extension and try to lightly tap the socket loose nothing. Ok now I decide I will just find my other 18 mm socket remove the oil drain plug get as much oil out as I can remove the filter and then try to get the socket off.

With oil everywhere because it was just one of those days, I finally have the filter bolt piece in my hand and can not figure out how to get the socket off. It is now I realize that being a woman really sucks. I wrap the oil soaked bolt, socket and extension up in plastic bags get in the truck and drive to Home Depot for the second time this weekend. I arrive with my package and the man behind the counter asks me if I need to return something I say no I need strong man as I pull out my socket/bolt mess. He smiles and tries to separate the two without success he simply asks “what did you do stand on it?” I smile embarrassingly and say no, he walks to the back of his counter and bangs it on something, causing the two units to separate he hands them back to me with a smile, just as the man who helped me yesterday appears. I explain why I am there and thank him again for his help the day before, they are both smiling at me with that knowing look I have seen too many times “dumb female” but I ignore it and thank them both.

Home again I am able to finish the job and start my walk in time to get a decent almost 4 hours in, this time I refused to don long pants and though I had to wear three tops and my gloves with hot hands I was happy to be in shorts one more day.

I hope to be able to ride this weekend but with work looming and who knows what is happening with the weather I can only hope.

October 4-5, 2008

I can feel it down deep, the downstairs has not gotten above 65 all summer and the upstairs has only gotten over 70 once or twice so I should have known we lost summer this year – again, but now it is start of October and the weather folks were calling it November in October – welcome to winter. No summer and now no real fall? Saturday started with pouring rain, I could hear it as I worked out but today and tomorrow I would be extremely limited in my riding so I refused to not go out.

I tried to my best to stay busy in the cold apartment simply to stay warm and in hopes that the skies would lighten even a little bit, no such luck. After cleaning the house again, I finally gave up and headed out into the down pour. With gas prices now usually below $4 it still hurts my soul to waste the money on weather like this but I would be more upset if I didn’t ride at all.

I am not really up to freeway riding, so I meander on one of my usual winter routes, even just thinking about the fact I am on a winter route bothers me to no end. It is pitch black and pouring rain, so my concentration is on the road completely. It is hard to see with the rain coming down and cars coming at me with headlights on but practice makes perfect so I continue on.

I think about the day ahead, what I need to get done how much time I have to do it and try desperately to ignore the cold and wet. I will have to get to work today and am in need of a fake and bake simply for my mind to feel better. I managed to make bread dough this morning, finding that I had flour and yeast I wanted to try a new no-knead recipe that just came out; I have never been very good at breads – strange since I am more then adept at all other forms of baking and cooking but breads with yeast have always caused me issue.

I find my way through 100 miles of wet nasty weather, back home just as the skies start to finally dry and lighten. Now I need to try to warm up before I walk to work. As I walk I am awed by the leaves all changing. I smell the wetness of fall/winter mingling with the strong scent of pine and am content.

I work my way through very few calls, the put another list together for a couple of weeks, motorcycle ride season is winding down so the shop is getting slow. David pokes his head in to show me all the new bikes he saw at the Suzuki Dealer Event this week, and we talk in length about the Gladius as there is no longer a naked-SV. He thinks it would be fabulous for me, but the extra weight and gas tank barely bigger then my duc concern me, as does the potential issue of parts.

I speak a bit with the new service rider about working out; he said he needed to get back into it – how many times have I heard that! I turn on NPR as I leave the shop and fill my mind with wonderful stories about life, art and human nature. I cannot call anyone as the rain is falling on and off, so it is just me and my radio. 4 hours of walking and I am home, baking bread smells fill the house and remind me that this is one of the things I miss the most when I am low on funds the ability to cook. But flour and yeast for now are reasonably priced so perhaps I will finally with practice get the hang of baking yeast bread items.

As I got ready for bed I could hear the wind battling outside I knew it was going to be bad, as on my way home I was getting pushed around by it but this was much worse than I had imagined. Waking Saturday and seeing the news that we had gusts of 35-40 mph I knew riding the back roads would be out of the question and when the garage door came up to the destruction on my street, I knew for sure it would be all freeways.

I wanted one more ride over the pass before I couldn’t but the windstorm last night meant no secondary roads, and the need to be home by 8:30 am meant no extended riding, so be it I hit I-90 to get up and over the pass.

It was cold but not raining thank goodness, just getting down my street was a challenge and there were huge branches down just blocks away. I needed to ride and though it was so dark I felt like it was the middle of the night I rode on. I could sense the passes looming ahead on the road as I neared the crest, even in the dark. As I came over the top the temperatures were so cold I was shaking and knowing time was running out turned around after 60 miles to head home.

I know it is sad that I must ride in the pitch black freezing cold but it would be sadder still not to ride at all, so be it. By Tuesday there was over 6 inches in the pass and Wednesday and Thursday the prediction was for more, so once again I am stuck on this side, unless by some fluke we warm up.

I managed to get in two hours of walking before the movie, the almost another two after, but still my heart is burdened by my now dark cold rides and limited access to wonderful roads. I will once again start volunteering at the mission next week, they begged for me to come back and want me to visit more than the once a month I signed up for right now but with two jobs I need some ride time.

This coming weekend looks like a wash too as I must volunteer on Sunday and I am not sure the weather for Saturday, I can only hope.

September 23-24, 2008

I started this entry Monday morning, looking back at it I cringed and realized I was dwelling on the pain I was experiencing recently from my kidneys which have been excruciating for weeks, to my annual review last week, to non-stop night terrors, and finally the throat tightening out right balling of missing my kitty and my family. I had to stop myself take a deep breath and realize that I truly had so much to be grateful for in a world where the economy is crumbling, a presidential election may make or break us, people are dying of hunger and in wars that seem as if they will never end. So I deleted all that I had written and started again.

For years now I have purchased only used work clothes from the Goodwill or consignment shops (under garments are always bought new – even I have my limits). Last week I received for the first time in over three years a package from Old Navy containing a few items that I needed to supplement my very limited well worm work wardrobe. Thank goodness I work in the PNW so that business casual is acceptable and I can purchase pants and tops from Old Navy the one store that I find still carries a true size 0 at a price I can afford.

My eyes were shinning as I tried on my bounty at home, beautiful new clothes that fit me perfectly. I actually felt good about how I looked for the first time in over 3 years! I am not a shopper I get too depressed, and the last time I actually went “shopping” was when my mom visited, even then while she bought and bought I was unable financially to buy in the stores at the mall so just watched in awe, and I have to say with a little envy ( a sin I know). Now I realize I should not be so happy about new clothes or how I look – isn’t that a sin too –but even me with my lack of “girlishness” can’t help but appreciate comfortable nice fitting clothes. So I smile and walk out the door the next day with one of my new tops on, feeling almost as good as I do when I ride – maybe I could get into this shopping thing.

That was Friday, Saturday morning and while vacuuming my vacuum catches on a dry cleaning bag and the belt breaks. I had planned on getting in a decent ride this morning before work, no such luck I think to myself as I do my best to figure out how to dismantle the vacuum, figure out what belt I need and then determine the only store open at this hour that might have a replacement would be the Super Walmart up north.

So I ride north to the Super Walmart. It is too dark to enjoy ride back roads so I am straight up the freeway all the way to Marysville and beyond. I pull into the parking lot and walk in, it stuns me every time how huge this store is; I always thought Costco’s were big but this thing is beyond big. A man in a motorized wheel chair starts asking me about my bike, I try to answer as I walk but even his motorized thing can’t keep up with me. I don’t have time to make chit chat I am very nervous about my bike in the lot with nothing to lock my bag to.

I find the vacuum area and it takes me what seems like forever to figure out which belt I need as my model vacuum is not listed on any of the belts, finally I find in the manual one small reference to “u” and sigh with relief that they have the one I need. As I wander back to the front of the store I realize even I could afford to buy clothes and shoes here, I just don’t think they make clothes in my size, shoes maybe. I have to say I could enjoy wandering the halls of Walmart everything I could ever want in one place from kitchen stuff to silly t-shirts and food, I imagine they probably even have furniture, and I know they have towels and sheets and such. I can hear the cringing and screams now – hold your tongues for one who has been purchasing all but her undergarments from the Goodwill for the last few years this would be wonderful.

Now that the skies are lightening some I decide to take some back roads, though cold I want to ride. I scoot back down through Monroe and up into Woodinville and Redmond before heading home, just in time to finish where I left off vacuuming then heading to work. I am so proud that I figured out how to change the belt on my vacuum and actually managed to do it (even with directions in English they were hardly helpful), I emailed my family to brag.

I have a huge calling list, having missed the last few weeks, so I get right to it after introducing myself to the new service writer joining Brian at the counter, the man looks a little grumpy and kind of scary but maybe he is just over whelmed. The calls end up being one complaint after next, most are valid some are just people venting – ie the guy who bought new tires put 100 miles on them then ran over a nail- been there done that myself it sucks. As I leave I say bye to everyone and the new guy is now smiling he must have just been a little overwhelmed first thing.

The sun is now out and the temperatures quickly reach the mid-60’s great for this time of year. I don’t want to stop walking, but I must as I know walking too much will simply make me feel even worse than I have been due to my kidneys deciding to be an issue. 3-1/2 hours and I am tired so for the first time in days I manage to sleep solid through the night and wake fairly refreshed.

Sunday and I put my passport in my pocket, I keep debating going up to Canada for my chocolate, and today I am out the door early enough that I might just go for it. I head straight north on the freeway, it is so dark with no moon out and then the fog settles in so thick even the cars around me have slowed to snail’s pace. I make it all the way to Blaine, pull in for gas and then decide it is still too early to try to find my chocolate in Canada, they are more like New England on a Sunday then Seattle and little if anything will be open before 8 am.

I start south again, I take my chances and head out to Rte 11. I want to be near the water, I know it could be difficult and the fog could be really dangerous but I want to ride some back roads. I get lucky and the road is clear all the way until it ends inland a bit and then the fog becomes so dense I am frightened. Though the skies have lightened the fog is so thick I can’t even see oncoming traffic on this two lane road or stop signs until I am almost on top of them. This is not particularly fun but it is good practice for my long rides so I put up with it, well that and I don’t have any choice. Thank goodness I know this road almost like the back of my hand; I had wanted to head west more and then south but I can see when there are breaks in the fog the further west

I know it is Oyster Run weekend but with no one to go with there is no way I can attend. Instead as I head south to finish my ride I pass hundreds of bikes heading north. I don’t want to ride the freeway so I hop on long enough just to try to get away from some of the fog, cutting off again at Lake McMurray and heading south. I like seeing all the other bikers out, though I wonder where they all are the rest of the year and then remind myself that for many this will be their longest ride al year. I have now counted over 6 officers and by the time my ride is finished will have given up keeping track of the marked cars at 14 and unmarked I have no idea I just know my radar detector was going off non-stop starting at about 7 am.

I am taking it really easy based on the number of officers I have seen and those I don’t know about because they are in unmarked cars. I give up waving at passing riders there are just too many, with predictions for upper 70’s and sun, though temperatures right now are not even 50 the turn out in Anacortes will be huge.

I am a little jealous of all the groups of riders heading north to the fun, but without a friend in site I am out of luck, one of those someday I will be able to go again items to add to my list. I notice that the fall smells are getting stronger and stronger, the rain smells different the air smells different and on my walks now the smell of lavender is mixed with the scent of fall roses. I wear layers differently now for riding and walking, as though temperatures may start at under 50 they can easily reach mid-70’s by late afternoon. Today though by the time I get home I am so cold I wish I could turn on the heat, but instead I get on the stationary bike and truck along for 40 minutes before I give up still not warm enough but at least I am not shaking from the cold.

As I head out for my walk I am looking forward to time spent listening to the Vinyl Café and the Splendid Table, but I am also enjoying the memory of the ride, the views once the fog cleared, the roar of hundreds of motorcycles, and the love of riding that is always my saving grace no matter how bad my week was. I am still torn with my decision to purchase another bike, when I am reminded on Monday about Ducati’s withdrawal of any support financial, product or publicity earlier this year when I reached out to them. It still hurts me to know that they feel I am not worthy of their support even when I simply requested a post on the website as I have for the last 8 years; this was the first time I have ever been denied and I was simply told it was not in their marketing budget. I thanked them for their prior support and walked away my head held virtually high from the email.

I know in my heart there are few if any who do what I do on my Ducati, though Gary Eagan may out do me by setting world records, I have tried over the years to ride well enough to show that a Monster can do anything an ST can and anything a big Japanese bike can. Thus though my heart feels immense joy each time I ride my Ducati, my pocket book at a Secretaries wage is slowly falling into debt and those around me are counseling to get me on a Japanese bike to save money. My logical self knows I should acquiesce but my emotional side fights back hard. I hear that the Japanese bikes will run forever, cost less to maintain and don’t require the premium gas, but they also don’t have personality like the Ducati and for one like me so lacking personality perhaps the Ducati is my alter-ego.

I loved my Suzuki’s and adore my Ninja, but in all my years of riding Suzuki’s it was always the Monster I went to sit on every time I walked into the dealer. I would run my hands down the tank, watching over the years the various paint schemes, thinking my mind what my perfect bike would be and then that fateful December when I blew up another Suzuki engine from riding too hard, that I gave up and marched into Seattle Ducati to pick up my first Monster. I had never ridden one, being as small as I am I cannot test ride bikes so I have to rely on two-up or just faith, so after removing the seat I took her around the block and was told my smile was so huge even on that below freezing day it could be seen through my full face helmet. She was mine, and in my dream color matte black otherwise known as “Dark.” Sure the dark comes with a smaller gas tank then a painted one, but I didn’t like the shinning paint I like the rough tough mad-max look of the dark – well and the never have to wax it part too.

Since that first purchase I have been given two sponsored bikes, and lost my first on 405 April of 2005 replacing her with a S2R. Looking back I can’t imagine me on anything else looking forward I guess only time will tell at this point. Until next weekend, ride safe and for those back east experiencing hurricane season stay dry.

September 19-21, 2008

Friday, and I didn’t want to waste 2 hours of vacation time but the shop could not bring my bike home for me so the single girl swap it had to be. Of course the weather was horrible, rainy and cold but so be it. I drove into work, picking up our Friday donuts/goodies on my way in and then I would use the truck again to get the birthday cake for two of our managers, yes I try to take full advantage when I have the truck if I am wasting gas I might as well do it right.

Off the clock at 1:30 pm I run the truck to the shop, where I gear up, grab my receipt and run down to get the bike. Dave stops me and regales me with wondrous stories from his recent trip to Indianapolis, I am so jealous. On the road back home and the gear down to shorts and waterproof jacket before walking back to the dealer to get the truck. The whole process takes over two hours thus the need to take vacation time.

Finally, home and freezing cold I cuddle into my one chair with my electric blanket missing the added warmth a kitty provided in my lap, and truly starting to dream about kittens – scary thought. I know tomorrow will be a hair day so I will have very little time to ride, but I have kept up on my chores so I am hoping to get in some riding. I watch the weather briefly and steal myself to the fact it will most likely rain all weekend so riding should be interesting, cold and a little scary.

Saturday morning and sure enough I can hear the rain. I workout and clean for the 2^nd time this week, trying to waste some time in hopes that the rain will ease up and the skies may lighten at some point on my ride. I can’t stand it any longer and am on the road a little after 5:30 am. I know the sun won’t be up for hours, and even then it won’t be sun simply a lightening of the sky, all I can hope is for no major downpours.

I gas up and then ease out onto the roads. We have had no significant precipitation for 24 days so the roads are slick as snot as they say, and I am very cautious. I know back roads in the dark rain are an absolute no so I hit the freeway and head north the one area on the map not showing any yellow or orange just green (you all understand when I say this it is about the level of precipitation right). I may good time up the freeway, though I notice there is significant construction southbound on I-5 in Everett I make note to get off at 530 or 2 on the way back if it is still going on (this will be a big mistake).

Because of the rainy weather I am wearing all my extra stuff including baggies on my feet, but I realize that this early cold rain is most likely indicative of what we will get this winter. I turn onto 11 in Bellingham, riding carefully as I can feel the slick roads beneath me. I have to pass a guy in a Subaru (yes once again verifying my beliefs/bias against them). I love being near the ocean especially when it is not raining but overcast and stormy, it reminds me of time on the beach when I was a kid and we would go off season to the cape when no tourists were around it was marvelous. I wish now that I had a beach house with a fire place and kitty.

I ride on back south into Mount Vernon where I hook back up to I-5 knowing I am running good time to make it to my hair appointment, I figure I will turn off at Route 2 if there is still construction in Everett. I should have known it would not be good but I didn’t realize I would be in dead stop traffic for two solid miles before I could even get off at 2! I started to worry I wouldn’t make my appointment and I couldn’t imagine wasting another 2 hours of vacation time just to do my hair – I hate doing my hair already wasting vacation time in a chair made me cringe. Finally I cute off at 2 and scrambled to make up time, no such luck I hit every light you could hit, then every slow poke until I finally got off 9 and on to 522, but then of course the fools were out and I saw several people swing over three lanes to either get off the exit only lane or get on it! Plus the rain had started up again, why do people drive like such fools when the roads are slick as ice visibility is poor and their ability to stop is hampered, must just be me.

Somehow I made good time rushing into the salon soaking wet but on time, I have no idea how I did it but I managed to get in 210 miles. Making up for lost time my hairdresser and I get caught up, I had oral surgery the day before my last appointment so we couldn’t really talk.

Once I am done I am on my way home to walk, a much needed walk but I am not looking forward to it, as now the rain is really coming down and it is very cold. I have to don my winter rain gear, and even hot hands as I head out. Somehow I manage to walk hard and fast enough not to get too cold, I slip into the library quickly to grab some movies before making it home with a cool 3-1/2 hours on my sneaks.

Even with all the hard riding and walking I toss and turn night terrors waking me almost every hour, I hope for the best when I finally give up on sleep at 1:30 am. I work out hard, clean and cook to waste time before heading out again into the rain. I have to remind myself it is better than snow and ice, as I gear up for winter riding hoping I can do 410 I head south on the freeway in the dark.

For some reason my cassette is not working and I was really hoping to have tunes, so be it. I hope I don’t have to buy another it is getting harder and harder to find them, but all I have are tapes. I pass quickly through Tacoma, and marvel at how I used to think this was far, pushing by Nisqually I wish I could stop and walk never happening alone and never on the bike for sure, as I near Olympia I see the capital dome towering above the city, it is beautiful, I wonder when they built it if the road came this way and they witnessed the wonderful view they created.

I head south and pass a few roads I debate taking I am tired of being on the freeway but I press on. Finally at 508 I can’t stand it anymore, so what if I don’t get up an over Rainier I have to get off the highway. I forgot how fun this road is, and since the rain has had time to do it’s mother nature wash the roads are not nearly as slick as they were yesterday (I know how slick they were I almost bit it twice – rear end getting all loose goosey).

I can’t enjoy a view as the sun is now where, the skies have lightened but they are still overcast with drizzle. At least I have a great road to ride and wonderful farms to drool over. Old barns, pickup trucks in the yards dead and rusting, and farm animals grown and young. I am not sure where I will end up but I don’t care I am enjoying the road and haven’t had to pass anyone – yeah.

I meander until the road ends in Morton, ah now I know where I am. Happy to have gotten this far what I failed to mention until now is I had to pass one person right about when I should have stopped for gas but I couldn’t bare the thought of having to pass him again so I kept on figuring I would run into gas eventually. Now I arrive in Morton on fumes! 135 miles on this tank and I have been checking out houses for the last 10 miles seeing if any one looked nicer than another, one good thing about being this far from civilization is I could almost guarantee gas from someone if I needed it that bad.

I pull into one of my favorite gas stations, clean bathrooms, locals hang out along with people heading to the mountains. Then I head north on 7 the rain is too heavy for me to want to ride the pass especially 410 with its 15 mph turns, as it is 7 will be a bear at some points. I am happy to be on 7 until I get behind a guy in a big old Lincoln on a Sunday drive, finally  I have the opportunity to scoot by him and he does what so many do speeds up just to make my life difficult – honestly I just think people do it instinctively or unconsciously.

I don’t want to hit too much traffic so I work my way north on 161, somehow not getting too deep and before the Puyallup opens for the day so I am on 167 quickly and up onto 405 north, arriving just in time to scoot quickly into the market and then to fake and bake – much needed after this cold wet ride.

I am home with a cool 229 miles before 10 am, not great but not bad, and with a smile on my face. Off on another walk the sun isn’t quite out but at least it is not raining now, and I don’t need to use hot hands though I do still need my gloves and several layers, though I am still refusing to give up my shorts just yet. Back home with Vinyl Café memories in my head and Splendid Table bursting through to me now I leave the bike out for Mark to pick up so he can use her as a model for some kind of exhaust he is creating to see his work www.motocreations.com. He promised he would pick her up at 4 pm and expected me to be around, I told him no I would just leave her out good thing too I didn’t hear him until I was well tucked into bed after 5 pm, I told him there would be traffic.

Monday and I am in a good mood, until I arrive at work and my time off on Friday means I have tons of work to do, then again my mood rises when I get to the grocery store and find they trimmed chicken this weekend and there are bunch of packages of the trimmings on the shelf for me to buy at .99 a lb! Yeah, chicken for a few weeks, about as good as the pork I buy for 1.29 lb but hey it is cheap and it is all I can afford if I want to ride. Then my mood goes beyond sour when I head out of the office for the day and some fool figured he would park ½ in my spot ½ in his – I know I will hit him but there is nothing I can do. I can’t push the bike up hill and I have to get her off the stand so when I lift her upright to turn her on and drive her away sure enough the rear blinker hits his car – no dent thank goodness, but then I have to drive forward to back up. Why do people do this?

September 12, 2008

It Friday, and I am off. I had one more vacation day to use by September 24^th and I could not let what the weather people were saying about 75 and sunny go by without a nice long ride. With my boss out of the office any way I figured not too much could go astray so off I went. I didn’t want to workout but I know weight gain and old age take there toll quickly, the evidence is all around me at the office and on the streets, so I run; before I know it I am home with a cool 5 plus miles more on my running sneaks. I polish off half my usual breakfast hoping to eat a little at every stop, yes calorie counting is part of old age too.

I am off at 4:15 am later then I wanted to start but fine just the same. I have geared up for cool weather knowing that the first 2 or more hours of my ride will be in the dark and cold, I will be glad I did; I do however also don shorts and a tank under my winter gear with hopes that I can gear down quickly.

Freeways riding it will be until the sun starts to lighten the skies, so down 405 to 5 and turn west on 3 toward Bremerton. It so dark I can feel the blackness enveloping me, but knowing that I can ride all day if I want energizes me. Too quickly I smell the lavender of Sequim and I know it is time to gas up. For the last 15 minutes I have been watching the skies lighten enough that I can make out just the beginnings of Hurricane ridge, never again will I ride or visit now that you are charged every time you enter a national forest, just like Rainier I will ride around but never up.

I quickly gas up and shove a few grapes under my helmet for energy, the temperatures are low not even 50 from what I can tell, but I am geared up enough it is no bother. As I walk from the bathroom back to my bike there she stands worn in like an old glove bathed in the fluorescent light of the station. I know on her left side she looks ok but is showing my love of riding, the miss-matched hand guard just a slightly different color then the right, remnants of dumping her within the first few months when I became dehydrated on my 48 states ride and couldn’t find the strength to hold her up when I stopped at a gas station. She has missing paint on her right and a scratch on the clutch cover, the right mirror has never worked quite right – every time I go over a bump I have to re-adjust it – all for the love of riding and my first every high side – good thing I stay very calm in times of complete calamity the look on the pickup truck drivers face as he watched what must have looked death defying I will never forget. But she stands strong and beautiful there is just something about her that calls out to me, old friend, family, I don’t know the only one who has loved me without fail through all that I have put her through, can I give her up before her time I don’t know. Bon Nuit is gone, but here stands the last thing I have that I own that I love, that brings me pure joy.

I mount up and think on it as I turn off the maintenance warning, she will turn well over 69,000 today on this ride and she is in dire need of a maintenance so I will drop her by the shop though it will mean I eat even less for months, can’t turn on my heat or do anything that costs a dime – what we do for love. I think about what little I do own, bare minimum of items only what I need to survive no more. Every year I whittle it down even more as I have been taught too well by my mother if you haven’t used it in 6 months either pass it on or give it a year and then let it go if it isn’t something that is used only once a year – ie holiday decorations.

I imagine a home filled with furniture and something in me cringes just as much as it makes me smile. I cringe at the thought of ever having to move something I can’t pick up myself, or cleaning more then I have to already. This conflicts with the wonderful familiar memories of lying on the couch reading for hours, something I can not do any longer as I don’t have a couch. I remember when I first moved here to Seattle how people would just show up for dinner and we would have somewhere to sit, a nice dinning room table and chairs, both long gone after so many moves with no help I realized very quickly I had to have only what I could move physically myself which is not much.

Soon my mind returns to the ride as I can see the orange glow of the sunrise in my rearview mirror and I don’t want to think about how few material items I have, I have my bike and enough money right now to ride. Soon I am passing through Port Angeles, Pirates Pancake dreams make my mouth water. The sun is up but I can see that I will be hard pressed to see it as the skies here are tempering on overcast. I am still debating whether to do the north side of Lake Crescent, a ride I have yet to do or head all the way around the peninsula, the traffic going the other way and the construction sites I passed make my decision for me, I would soon find out this was not the best choice.

Lake Crescent is clear of car traffic in my direction thank goodness as there is no where to pass along this twisty road and though the posted speed limit is reasonable it is far from fun and fun is what I am out to have, well that and make good time. A gentleman at work asked me if I would be stopping for lunch on my ride, I was dumbfounded, stop why would I stop not to mention I would most likely be home by then, add that eating a lone in a restaurant I can’t do, and even if I wanted to stop paying someone for food I can make myself is definitely not in my budget.

So I ride, the fog is coming I can see it ahead on the road and am glad I had not switched out my shield and that I had geared up well before this ride. Now I just ride, I can not see much, I can barely see the road, so I am just riding to ride. I make out the ravages of Weyerhaeuser, but I also see their hard work, they are very good about replanting what they take. Traffic is building and I am forced to pass from time to time. I recall doing this ride with boyfriends over the years and even coming with my parents on one of their first visits, I miss having others around me that I love but at this time there is nothing more I can do about it (well except win the lottery).

I near Forks my next gas stop, I hate to have to stop so soon but due to the lack of gas in this area I have no choice my bike won’t make it from Port Angeles to Hoquiam, without a stop. I do change out my shield though I can not see the sun, I keep telling myself soon. I do not get lucky enough for sun and at one point it actually starts to rain! I took today off to enjoy comfortable dry sunny weather and here I am on the coast near the rain forest and it is raining, I should have known!

Now my mind wanders to a book I am reading, fiction, about a woman fulfilling another woman’s list of things to do before she turns 25. I have not created a list but I think on all the items others have told me are on their lists and how many I have done and what if anything would I put on my list. I would love to be able to eat in a restaurant alone, well actually more then that, get dressed up and go into a fancy restaurant and eat alone. I want to return to Paris, all of Europe, and just wander for a month. I would love to go back to school and learn just everything from Religion to French to Psychology. I would love to paint again, sculpt or just draw. I keep thinking more items rush into my mind, I push them aside all take money all take time all take gumption I am not sure I have just yet.

As I ride I find my time is good until after Forks when the construction starts, I had no idea! This is not just your typical slowdown this is full out one lane must stop and wait construction, the type that makes a good ride bad fast. I try not to let it bother me but I am too competitive and it rattles my nerves to know this is holding me up from making good time. I have to deal with 5 full out stops, and misc slowdowns between Forks and Hoquiam.

Sure enough like clock work there is a white old chevy holding up traffic just outside Hoquiam. I know you will think I am insane but every single time I get to this point I run into some old lady or man driving an old white chevy at 10-20 miles under the speed limit. Sometimes like today I manage to pass them, other times I just stew until we are out of town. I truly believe it is some kind of karmatic event. Though I manage to get by her, I run into another fool in a diesel Mercedes, looking around so much that he almost hits the back of parked semi!

Finally, I break free on 12 and realize I am far from making good time now, pissed but dealing with it determined not to let it ruin my ride, my next gas stop I don’t even dismount promising myself I will eat when I am done. I ride hard toward the sun which starts to shine just outside Olympia. I can see the mountain in the distance and she eases my mind. I worry about traffic through Olympia and Tacoma, and I know only too well that 405 in my neighborhood can be a mess even this late in the morning, traffic and I don’t go well together.

But I am lucky and the sun is shinning, there is a strange slow down near the Tacoma dome, but it breaks up quickly. I give thanks for my radar detector and a big pick up to my right as I pass a statie with a gun. I keep along with bigger vehicles as I have been instructed by staties in the past, I want to try to make up for the slowness of the peninsula, and I want to get to the shop in time to have a decent walk.

I arrive at the shop with 7 hrs 35 minutes of riding and 426 miles on the odo – not terrible but not great either. I know I have done better. I leave my gear at the shop, yes single girl swap time, I will walk home then drive the truck back for my gear. As I am leaving I notice a pretty new bike in the shop so I stop to chat with Herb, noticing too an IBR bike on the lift. Herb asks me about my SV interest and I tell him I can’t afford to eat and maintain the duc he says that is because of where I live. I agree but remind him I have to live within walking distance of the shop or I need to get a boyfriend. He laughs and says he can fix that, I tell him I doubt it and the delivery person behind him says he will date me, at which point I run for the door. Don’t get me wrong the guy is cute but I can also tell right away he is maybe 20 something and men like that but I don’t, not to mention I am shier then shy. Herb starts to crack up when I find I can’t open the exit door and can’t stop laughing as he helps me push it open so I can run for the hills.

Soon enough I am home and doing my swap. Saturday and Sunday I will not be able to ride as the little bike can’t do heated gear and I can’t ride in under 50 for long without it. Ah well, my baby will be home soon enough.

September 6-7, 2008

I can smell it when I run the difference in the scent of the rain, the scent of decay that comes with the season change to fall, and then I notice the leaves they are already changing. I don’t have much more time to enjoy my early morning rides, soon it will be too dangerous for me to ride so early instead I will be forced to workout longer, clean the house more and other mundane things to keep me occupied until the temperatures rise enough for me to ride, so without too much fanfare I manage to work out, clean the house and still get out the door in a decent hour to get in a 100 mile jaunt, then food shopping and 4 loads of laundry (all the blankets and such), wash two bikes all before I have to leave for work at 9 am.

My head is completely overwhelmed with the thought that I might not have a Ducati much longer. My heart is not liking the idea at all, though my logical self is relishing the idea of thousands of extra dollars a year to spend or even to save. The stress is haunting me day and night, I wish I could figure out how to hold onto my Ducati but my logical self is coming up with no good reason, other than my heart is screaming not to let the one bike I have truly loved from the moment I saw it go.

I arrive at the dealer ready to make my calls, as I round the corner Click and Clack filling my head with hysterics I suddenly find they are in stereo. The mechanics in the shop are listening too! We immediately begin to converse about the show I love so much and grew up, long before they went national they were only in Boston! I didn’t know Dale was from Natick, we don’t have much time to chat on it as all of us need to get to work.

Starting my calls I am happy to be at the shop doing something productive, when my second call hits me like a ton of bricks and I begin to think I don’t need this I want to go. I know often enough I have not been pleased with something that has occurred, I will admit I am much more forgiving now that I work at a shop and hear the things I hear from customers, but there are times like this where I just want to yell “get a life.” It started off with just an issue on contact information and proceeded to moaning about the tires he had chosen – yes the tires he had chosen! He did have some valid concerns and I allied them as best I could but on my second call of the morning this was not what I really wanted to handle.

All done in an hour, the relief could be felt through my whole body, I had gotten lucky after that one bad call and ended up with mostly voicemail boxes. I ran upstairs to see if Mike had found me a new bike, and the answer was no to set my sights on November for a new one when the dealer would receive their 2009 bikes.

I head out for my walk my mind continuing its battle duc or no duc. I wander through the area and decide I want to take a chance on a short path through the woods, it is well made at least four feet wide gravel and I know exactly where it will take me. I am a little afraid but I have been passing it for so long I want to just take it once. I know it is dangerous for me to be on a path even this short so close to residences, but I love the quiet beauty. My fears are founded as I see a discarded purse, I debate picking it up but can tell just by looking at it that it holds nothing and what would I do with it? Then I pass a man who is not on the path but coming from behind some dense bushes, luckily I am but feet from the ball fields and play ground at the end of the path, I will not chance it again as this time I was lucky.

I manage to get home after stopping briefly at the library with a cool 4 hours of walking under my feet, exhaustion even now will not help me get through the night as I know tomorrow I can ride ride ride!

Sunday and it is not too cold, I can see no rain on the radar but I can tell it is cloudy. I want fudge and salt water taffy so bad I can see my favorites stores for both picture perfect in my mind, I know too that I will not have them as on a Sunday neither will be open until long after I am done riding.

A harsh workout before heading out, I take freeways straight south in dark. It is now dark well into my morning rides and will only continue to get worse and worse, thus the freeways are my only option. Past Tacoma and Olympia I have my sights set on the little road to Littlerock then down to old Route 12. I turn off at 121 to gas up and start the back roads south. It is still fairly dark but the skies are lightening, I can tell now that the cloud cover is very thick, though rain is not in the forecast I have a feeling fog will be. I meander past beautiful land, into small towns, turning onto Littlerock road I am forced to pass one truck. The fog now is thickening and I am not too happy about it, luckily the dawn has come and thus I am not battle dark and fog at the same time. I think to myself that fog this thick on a bike is even scarier then rain, I can’t see far enough ahead to judge turns well, see animals or even cars ahead of me. The fog is so thick that I am soaked as if it is raining and constantly sweep it off my face shield as helmets don’t come with wipers.

Finally, I turn west on old 12, the fog here seems even denser, but when the fog breaks the hillside views and smells of nature make it all worthwhile. I turn south on 107 and the fog finally starts to truly lift, and the sun has broken free showing clear blue skies. I am enjoying the no traffic roads when I come upon a slow moving car, making quick work of the pass I am once again alone on the road, the bike and me gliding along as one on a road made to ride. I reach the intersection for 101, now I am really having fun, if ever you have the chance to ride 101 from Washington through Oregon all the way down to California and beyond do it – just makes sure you do it when there is no traffic it is too much fun to do behind a car.

Just east of the 101 merge with Route 6 east and have to pull over ever so briefly to switch out shields as I am now heading due east into the sun, but it is not time for gas. On 6 I remember only too well how much I love this road, the first time I encountered it was in a car my little Del Sol which was almost like a bike but not quite. Though I haven’t come this way in ages I remember every turn and house and building the whole route and am saddened as I pass through Pe Ell that soon enough I will be heading north on I-5. I love Pe Ell it calls to me like Edison up north and other little towns where there are empty strange building I know I could make something of, but also know only too well any business in a town this small wouldn’t last long.

Sure enough I hit I-5 and it is time to head home, I make quick work of it and end the ride at 9:50 am with a cool 290 miles under my belt (5 hours). Time now to fake and bake as the sun has yet to come out, run to the market really quick – Whole Foods has one of my favorite bars on sale for .50 ea! Sometimes it isn’t really whole paycheck.

Off for a nice 3-1/2 hour walk that takes me all around various neighborhoods. I am amazed how many people are out and about walking today, more then I have seen all season, and then I realize that they are between seasons not at the weekend beach house or ski lodge yet. Funny how I love to walk by these huge homes, and enjoy home shows but would never want one as I can’t imagine keeping it up or wasting the space for just one person or even two!

The maintenance light is on the duc and I know she must go in, so be it another huge bill to pay before the month is out.

August 30-September 1, 2008

Long weekend and no where to go, no matter I have to work today and meet some folks on Sunday. I figure before I meet my landlord at 8 am to get the second story windows washed I will head out for a ride, short but a ride.

Well the ride was made shorter by the fact that once again my landlord parked his van too close to the garage door, oh man did it hit it hard, dead stop! It wasn’t even 5 am and there I was calling them and knocking on the door when my calls were not answered. I still don’t understand why the wife has to come out and move his van, sorry men if my husband was silly enough to continuously have the back of his van smashed by a garage door it would be him getting up at this early hour to move it not me!

I apologized again, but my landlord said not to worry it was not my fault. Finally on the road I head north knowing I don’t have much time but wanting to ride. I wander up through Juanita into Bothell, over to Maltby and somehow back into Woodinville before realizing I should get my hardware run done. I love hardware stores, my preference is for the hold mom and pop shops like Hippo Hardware, but Home Depot and others have all but killed them off. I manage to find the light I need for the kitchen little did I know the $8 would not fix the problem and find a window washing extension thing – I cringe at the price but last year it was really difficult to wash the windows so I am hoping this makes it easier.

Not thinking I was on the bike I walk towards it with the extension in my hand and panic, how will I ever manage to get this home? I take it apart as much as I can then shove it in the Ventura pack, once again my Ventura comes to the rescue is there nothing these packs can’t do. Home again in time to finish up a bit more cleaning wash the first floor windows and test the extension with just a chair, nope will definitely need the ladder.

My landlord shows up and I introduce him to my extension, and we agree we won’t need the larger ladder just the one on his truck. I make quick work of the job, thrilled that one more year I will have nice clean windows to look out. I ask him if he wants to borrow my extension, and he says to leave it out he will show it to his wife. Then he reminds me he wants to look at the shower stall. Before I arrived the prior tenant weighed too much and broke the plastic pan, my landlord repaired it with silicone but I was noticing mold on the back of my living room wall so he wanted to look at the shower again.

Upon, close inspection my landlord decided to re-seal the areas that had cracked. He also looked at the mold downstairs and said there was nothing he could do, so be it I don’t want to have to move and I also don’t want him ripping the whole wall out to try to figure out where it is coming from. The only downside is I have to wipe it down at least once a day. He suggested I run the heat for a few days to dry it out, not in this life time! I explained to him I could not afford to do that and he just nodded. Sometimes I wonder if I would have a case against them for this kind of stuff but I don’t want to find out I love my place and I can’t afford to move right now.

He is done just in time for me to change into some shorts and head out to work at the shop. When I get to the shop I ask Dave if any SV’s are around for me to sit on, and he says one is still waiting to be picked up. It is a pretty grey one, so I swing my leg up over and find it comparable to my Monster. We talk about the modifications we will need to do so it fits me; yes folks you heard that right upon review of my finances I realized I was spending 5000-7000 a year (one year I spent 10,000) just to keep the Ducati running. The realization that I was spending that much each year made me realize why I was having such a hard time feeding myself, so I started to research other options; I have not bought a new bike and it is looking like a bit longer before I can but right now this is the direction I am leaning. My call list is short and I manage to fly through it in an hour, then I take time to get another list typed up before heading out to finish up my walk.

As I walk I listen to NPR and hear a broadcast about the increase death toll of motorcyclists and how they are saying it is due in part to the increase of ridership as a cause of the gas prices. Then locally they noted that State Troopers were impounding bikes ridden by unlicensed riders and I almost started jumping for joy! I can’t believe how many people I have met over the years who don’t have the proper license, or insurance, how irresponsible!

Making my way toward the library to pick up a book, I notice a nurse walking with an elderly gentleman. I tell myself that what I am seeing can’t be for real, until I am along side them and realize it is; the nurse is on her cell phone! I am not saying a brief conversation, she has been chatting since I first saw them a block ago and continues chatting as I pass in deep conversation with whoever is on the other end. I want to yell that I would love to be walking with the elderly gentleman talking to him; that how could she be so rude as to completely ignore him and chat on her cell phone. Why is this happening? It is near the elderly facility where I tried to volunteer but was told there was no one available, this man is available from what I can tell, since the nurse seems to think so little of this other human as to completely ignore him and chat away on the cell phone. I take deep breaths and calm myself knowing that someone must have a reason for not wanting me to volunteer though it is truly taking its toll on me.

I am in and out of the library before I know it and walking toward home when I see a man carrying a helmet and dragging a bag. He is on the other side of the road from me, but I watch as I near him. Finally I see an old bike parked up ahead so I call out to him across the road to ask if he is ok and if his bike is running. He says yes that the construction site he works at does not allow for parking and as such he must park here. I nod and say I wanted to check as I have a truck with tie-downs and could have helped if he needed it; he thanks me.

Home and put the movie “Prairie Home Companion” in to watch, single girl night, with dreams of a ride tomorrow fading fast as I have to meet up with a new woman’s group at 11 am so my ride will be cut short.

Sunday, I want to ride so badly my soul aches with need, but even as I head out I know I have to be home in time to walk down to Kirkland to meet up with a woman’s group starting. I took a chance and found it on Craigslist, I don’t anything about the lead woman other then she too is finding female friendships hard to come by.

I ride out north not really paying too much attention to details other then time, I had thought I would go Route 11 but was well past it before I realized, so I took 542 west instead. I was enjoying the quiet just me and the engine roar, wondering if I could truly part with my Duc we had been through so much together. Then I started to think on rides I might do to break in a new bike and how cool it would be to be the first person ever to do three 50CC Golds! I know I know stop me now I said I wouldn’t do this ride again. I see a mother cow licking her calf, a baby Alpaca running in front of it’s mother, I can not see any mountains the skies are too overcast and the cold is causing me to shiver and shake. I make my way to Route 9 then to 20, where I decide to head toward I-5 simply because the roads are slick and I am way too cold to be maneuvering over them. Home in perfect time to hop on the stationary bike to try and warm up, no such luck instead I am forced to don my gloves and an extra shirt under my jacket before heading out; though I refused to give up my shorts.

I walk quickly down to the café and sit up front, not having the money to buy a coffee I don’t want to take up a fancy chair. I keep looking around and by 11:10 start to wonder if she is a no show. I turn around and see a back meeting room with two women and wander over sure enough she had managed to snag the little room.

I am intrigued by the two women who show up but not certain I will be able to continue to meet with them as they are leaning toward evening events and I will be unable to participate. An hour and half later we exchange good byes, and I continue to finish up my walk. I have not spent much time in Kirkland this summer, the roads are so noisy I have found them lacking, but since I am here and I have 2 more hours at least to waste I wander. With the extra time I walk down dead ends seeing if there are any connector trails, checking on neighborhoods I don’t normally, looking for nice walks with quiet streets like in my town to no avail. Finally making my way home, glad I met some new people and still managed to get in a decent 210 miles on the bike, and a 3-1/2 hour walk.

Monday, I can’t believe I have another day off. I want to just ride but today is not the day to do so with the vacationers coming home. I try to tell myself not to go too far but I just can’t do it and head out 405 to 522 straight for 2 and Leavenworth. I have my radar detector on as the rain seems to be holding off, but the temperatures are horribly cold; we never had a summer, there was not one day I could wear my bikini top and shorts how horrible is that. The fog is so thick I wonder if I should have come this way, but I don’t want to turn back with snow already at 5000 feet this week who knows how much longer I will be able to ride over the passes.

I hit too many cars at first, and one pick up is driving at 10 mph less then the posted limit! Why do people do this I will never know. Luckily Route allows for easy passing and soon enough I am on my way. I have no music today I am just enjoying the ride, and though the fog is think and the skies overcast I know the mountains are there. I can just make out the river winding along beside me, and the sun breaks through as I reach Leavenworth. I make my way through town noting the crowded hotel parking lots on this last holiday weekend before fall and school starts.

I stop for gas at my usual haunt turning back to Route 97 over Blewett, I wonder briefly how many cars I will have to pass on this leg, but it is still fairly early for a holiday day so I am hoping it is not too bad. It is cold and I am shivering again, when I left my house it was just 48 now I am nearing the pass I look down and notice it is below 35, how can this be! I don’t want winter to come so soon, I want warmth and sunshine.

I enjoy clear roads and easy passing of cars. The sun is now out and it warms things a bit as I near Cle Elum, but looking ahead the skies are dark and I wonder if it is raining on the other side of the mountains. I have managed to time my gas stop just right that I will only have to make the one I did outside Leavenworth, this should put me on good time. It is not raining as I crest Snoqualmie, but traffic has definitely picked up. Coming into Issaquah I realize I have a hankering for brownies and look down at my clock to see I have made excellent time leaving me plenty of time to make brownies before heading out for my walk.

I quickly swing into the market to pick up a few ingredients and am home with a clean 247 miles in 4 hours, not great but not bad at all. Now to try to create the perfect peanut butter brownie, I have got my basic double/triple chocolate brownie down, the rock-road one rocks, but the ultimate peanut butter one has stumped me a few times. I decide to try a different base this time, a dark chocolate with dark chips, and top it with globs of peanut butter goopy stuff- done!

Out of the oven I can tell just from the texture I got it right, how I will ever recreate it I have no idea as I never measure and I make up recipes as I go along. I text out to my adopted family to ask if they might be out and about for a pick up, sure enough I make arrangements to them a few with the understanding I want a full critique. My fear is they are as perfect as I think and I have no idea what I did!

Out again for my walk I pass the trees with dead fruit below, berries on trees uneaten, and have to move on. I see people out in their yards, open garages filled with junk not cars, a hording nature I will never understand. Home and another movie to pass a hour or so before bed, over all a more then productive weekend, and who could not be happy with a cup of tea and homemade brownie in hand.

August 23-24, 2008

It is Saturday and I must work, but I know it is a good thing, I am without human companionship too much already so being at the dealership on Saturday at least gives me some human touch. I manage to get in an overly harsh workout as I am watching 27 Dresses and enjoying it too much to stop – too cute a movie. Finally, I am out the door and riding, a much needed ride after a stressful week.

I head out 405 to 167 south, I can see the sun desperately fighting to be free the dark of night; the reds and golds that paint the sky remind me of the painting on European cathedral and chateau ceilings. I can see the mountains outline slowly coming into view, and think on all the lives lost to her, what a morbid thought but she is so overwhelmingly powerful, both a sight to see and a being to be reckoned with. I ride to ride today, I do not have much time but I manage to swing down to 18 and over to Black Diamond Road, then back roads to 169 and 900 before it is time for me to head home.

I swing by the market briefly and am a little taken aback by the gentleman in front of me. I am holding one item his cart is full; me I am the first to say go ahead but not this man. Thus I stand and wait for his over $200 in groceries to ring through, thinking as I watch the items fly over the scanner what it must be like to afford such extravagance, $11.99 lb meat, fruits and vegetables galore, and various juices, wines and beers. No matter last month I managed to keep all my groceries, bath and cleaning needs to under $250; every penny I save is one more for my retirement or my trip home; but I still imagine what it would be like to spend in one run what I spent all month.

When the checker is done, he tries to explain to the man about his earned .10 off gas, the man does not seem to understand or be from around here, so I politely explain that there is a Safeway gas station at the 140^th location and that simply by putting in his card number he would receive an extra .10 off. The look he gives me when he truly looks my way and sees me dispels any thought I might have that I could be attractive or even cute, I have seen this look over and over the last few years, but it hurts just the same. No I am no beauty, and goodness knows with the last remnants of the oral surgery bruise on my jaw and my hair having resided in my helmet for 100 miles I am not the usual boob-job, make up perfect, $500 hair, $1000 outfit woman normally seen n these parts; but it hurts just the same.

Why is it men cannot see me for who I am, instead because I do not meet the standards set by the media I am shunned? I do not do this to men, I speak to all, I try very hard to respect all, no I may not be attracted enough to someone to date them, and I am not perfect, but that does not mean I will look at them with the disgust this man looked at me. Perhaps it is the years I spent helping the homeless that have made me respectful of the less then society beautiful or maybe it is the strong values my parents imparted to my sister and me, who knows but I hope that I can hold my judgment enough to never look at someone the way this man looked at me. No I do not profess to be perfect and even I find myself reprimanding the thoughts that threaten to kill my open heart, but at least I try to withhold my judgment, this man might as well have screamed disgust it perhaps would have been less painful then the look he gave me. I held my own as I always do in public and continued to politely explain how to get to the other Safeway; I do this simply to prove to myself that I will not let others opinions destroy me – it doesn’t work very well but I try.

I pay for my item and head out to my bike, I see the man loading his Mercedes with his groceries and I nod, he ignores me. I mount up and ride home trying not to cry with the realization that perhaps I am that horrible looking and that is the reason I cannot find anyone to hang out with; telling myself over and over that this can’t be so helps very little.

I arrive at the dealer I have many calls to make, today I am lucky they have had a great two weeks and I am bombarded with happy customers. This cheers me up as does the sun when I head out to finish up my walk. I wander through new areas, see fruit laden trees that make my heart sad, thinking on all the homeless or hungry people who could use the food, but I move on there is nothing I can do. I find my way back home, it is empty but I know now is not the time for me to find a pet I will have to wait.

Sunday, my one day to ride and they are saying rain. I workout hard and scan every news/weather site I can find, the rain appears to still be north, so I think I will head south. I crave fudge and salt water taffy but by the time I arrive at any beach locale it will be much too early to buy either, nothing will be open until I am long done riding and on my walk, so I simply head for the water.

I head straight down I-5 in the dark, wondering if the rain will hold off long enough for me to get in a decent ride. I am listening to Jimmy Buffet and will continue to do so the whole ride, it has been ages since I have wanted to listen to music and I didn’t even look at what tape was in just turned it on, sometimes the powers that be just know exactly how to make it right – how can you not smile listening to songs with words like “barefoot children with in the rain” and “cheeseburger in paradise.”

I turn out toward Gig Harbor over the old narrows bridge, I can’t afford the toll so it will be a long time before I come home over the new one. I pull in quick to gas up, and I notice an R-6 joins me. I wonder what he is doing out this early I have seen him this way before, I figure he must work the late shift in Tacoma or some such.

Back out I pull off toward Purdy and that is when the fun starts. I haven’t been this way in a while but I figure I have until about 10:00 am before I have to finish up so I am wandering. I take 302 west, and I know I have done this before but I do it again I miss the turn off and head toward Key Center. I am a fool and I know it, I could have turned back but no one was out and about the sun was finally up and the road was awesome! I was on Key Peninsula Hwy into Longbranch, where my heart nearly stopped. I know I have been this way before but it must have been overcast as I had never seen the mountain like that! It was glorious just as I came around a corner the ocean and the mountain all at once, in this tiny little port town, oh how I could move here in a second! I continued on until I got the warning “no beach access dead end” and just turned down a street. I had no idea where I was going but I have a pretty good sense of direction so I just kept on. It was marvelous old back roads nicely paved no cars to be seen, just homes and horses. Some how I made my way to Vaughn and hoped back on 302 west until it intersected with 3 which I took south toward Shelton. The sunrise this day had been glorious but red, and red sky at morning –well you know was making me nervous though not a cloud to bee seen yet.

I was having such fun I didn’t want to stop riding, I headed out 101 toward Olympia debating which way to when I came to 8, and deciding based on time I would head north, though my spirit would have wanted to go to the beach. I hooked a right off 5 onto 510 to stay back roads as long as I could, big mistake, though still early the traffic was building and my so far heavenly ride was spirally downward quickly.

I tried to get away from the cars by staying straight on 702 toward Mt Rainier, no such luck. Some how I managed to make my way to the Kapowsin Hwy and north, still behind foolish people going way too slow, I was quickly loosing patience. In Orting I took 162 straight up to 410 trying to pass without too much aggression, those people who felt 5 under the speed limit was perfectly all right no matter they were illegally holding up 5 cars.

410 to 167 I am not ready to give up riding just yet but time is ticking away and I must get to fake and bake today as my farmers tan is horrible; though I am the only one who can see it it still annoys me. Perfect timing I arrive at fake and bake, scoot in and out home in great time with 240 on the odo and no rain to be found yet.

I am out walking early, as I have some errands to run on my walk today and I want to wander without time on my mind or deadlines. I meander through some of the wealthiest neighborhoods in my area drooling over the number of blackberry bushes laden with fruit, wishing I could pick it all and bring what I could not use to a shelter. As I walk by a stand of post boxes I notice a cardboard box labeled “Pie Apples Free” and my heart sings again! How is it that in this extremely affluent area people think to pick their fruit and share, but in the other areas around me they would rather waste money buying fruit at the store then take the time to pick the fruit in their yards?

It starts to rain as I near the mall, I really don’t want to walk inside it is humid and warm so I just gear up and continue. I stop quickly at Macy’s to pick up some gym socks – gosh I love that I figured out I can wear little kids clothes – 6 pairs of socks for under $6!! How awesome is that! The funny part is when I can’t find the socks I ask at the cashier desk and the woman says hold old is the boy, I then have to admit they are for me, she just smiles thank goodness.

Back out in the rain, I don’t mind at least it is warm enough for me to be in shorts, too soon it will be cold and wet; which reminds me I will need to pick up some more hot hands soon. I stop a the library as I have finished two more books and need more to read. Making my way home I try to avoid the homes with the fruit laden trees I can’t bare looking at them any  more now that the fruit is rotting. As I pass one tree I notice these bright red things that look like very small apples, I remember a few years ago that I tasted one similar to this. I quickly grab one from the tree as I walk by feeling guilty (I don’t know why no one seems to care and the fruit layers the ground), taking a bite (yes I tend to have no fear when it comes to food), how amazing it tastes like a Macintosh! Oh I want to run back and pick them all they are so beautiful to the eye and so delicious to the tongue but the tree resides on someone’s property so that it is out of the question.

Some day I will have my own house, garden and fruit trees and I will take full advantage giving away what I do not need. Home again it is pouring and I am soaked, perhaps next weekend will bode better – oh no not another three day weekend to spend alone –never mind.

August 15-17, 2008

I am starting on Friday as that is when I left work early to get to my oral surgery appointment. I knew it wouldn’t be any fun but I also want to hold onto my teeth so I do what I have to do. Arriving 10 minutes early to clean up, at 90+ degrees my walk meant I was a little sweaty and I didn’t want to smell too bad. The nurses are very kind and my Periodontist is the nicest dr I have met in a long time –hey how bad could he be he rides a Harley and looks like Santa.

He cracked jokes during surgery, trying to calm me. I had wanted to take something to calm my nerves but could not since I had to walk to the appointment and home. The surgery took much longer then expected so upon arriving home I barely had time to eat (it took me an hour to cut the food small enough and chew only on the opposite side from the surgery) and then crash.

I woke the next morning to a severely swollen face, but not too much pain. I managed to work out and clean the house for the third time this week, before giving up on hanging out trying to be a good sick person. I was on the bike an off for a ride. The helmet crushing my sore mouth and swollen face, I managed to get in 75 miles by the time I was done phutzing around and going to get my hair done. I wanted to chat with my hair dresser but the soreness prevented me from talking too much.

When I was done at the hairdresser I had to scoot to the pharmacy they had given me the wrong prescription – yes that is right the wrong thing! I paid for, had the receipt for, and even instructions for an anti-inflammatory but what they gave me was a heavy duty pain pill. All I can say is thank goodness I am as anal as I am and read every label and all the packaging before putting anything in my mouth.  So though the  directions and receipt all spoke of anti-inflammatory the name on the bottle was different. Arriving at the pharmacy with all the packaging and bottle in hand, they apologized and said they had been trying to reach me all week! Hello my dr’s number is on the prescription if they really were concerned they could have called him to get a good phone number or warn him what they had done! No such luck, just lucky that I don’t’ take anything without knowing exactly what I am taking.

Back home I took one anti-inflammatory hoping that the swelling would go down. Turns out the nurse completely ignored my request for a childs dosage of the meds and within a half hour of downing one pill I was nauseous, dizzy and in danger of passing out. The temperatures were to reach 90 again today so I figured I would force myself to keep walking my hope being the meds would wear off sooner that way. Within 2 hours I was feeling less ill but definitely not less pissed off. When I got home that night I read the details more closely and learned I shouldn’t even be driving with the meds; though the nurse had assured me that I could! Can you imagine if I had listened to her and gotten on the bike! Goodness, one day a nurse will listen to me when I say I am very small, react horribly to any meds including otc stuff like Advil so please prescribe accordingly.  Oh and by the way you may want to double check before you tell someone it is ok to drive on the meds. I often wonder how many people don’t read the packaging just listen to the dr, or in my case might have read the packaging but then not noticed the drug switch – how scary is that!

I did manage to get in a four hour walk, trying to avoid human contact as I looked really scary. I needed to go to the library to pick up a few movies (Arthur and the Invisibles and Mr Magorium are both wonderful, and Miss Potter wasn’t too bad). I noticed people looking twice, but not saying anything today was nothing compared to what would happen on Sunday.

Sunday and I can hear the thunder roaring outside. The rain comes and goes but I am determined to ride, I need it bad, unfortunately my face is even more swollen and now I have a huge bruise near the area of surgery and a black eye – how lovely. Somehow I managed to get in a really hard workout, and on to the bike in record time. Don’t tell “the mom” the thunder and lightning was calling to me, I couldn’t wait to get outside so that I could see it.

Riding north on I-5, what a show, the sky would boom and the ground would shake with the thunder then a few seconds later the lightening would crash down from the black sky. These are the storms I long for, beautiful to see but far enough that I am not in danger, or even get wet. I head due north, thinking again about Canada, passport in my pocket. But by the time I reach the turn off for Sumas and Lynden I realize my head is aching from shoving it in the helmet so tight and that if they pulled me over as I have had happen before the sight of me might cause a little more hassle then I was willing to deal with.

I turned due east, simply back tracking the ride I did the other day. Today though I notice the smells are much bolder, a result of the extremely high temperatures of the last two days and today’s blustery wind before the storm. Riding by the farms I long for the beauty of the east coast, farms are different there they have history. I want badly to pull over and ask if I can help feed the cows, horses, whatever, I have always loved working on farms, the smells are joyous to me and the animals make me happy.

I meander down to Route 2 swing toward Monroe for some coffee, hoping this out of the way Starbucks will not be too full and when I take off my helmet I won’t look as bad as I am now feeling, no such luck. Though they do a busy drive through the inside is pretty empty, one or two people all look at me twice. My coffee comes and I down it quickly for energy, as a man who rode in on a Harley tries not to stare, I don’t know how bad I look but it must be pretty scary.

Arriving home after making my way south through Carnation, Fall City and Issaquah, with 240 miles in the saddle and an aching in my face that even I notice, I am shocked to see what I look like. I guess shoving my face in my helmet for 5 hours was not the best thing to do, I am now even more swollen, black and blue up the side with a nice yellow tinge; how attractive. So be it, I am off for my walk, I will do my best to avoid human contact, but every light I stop to cross I wonder what people are thinking, every couple I pass looks at me, ah now I get attention!

Heading home, I think how funny it is that I only get looks here in Seattle when I am even uglier then normal; so be it. Monday comes and I am watching a taped Oprah show on poverty that truly hurts my soul. I know all about poverty in America, between my working at the shelter for years and my rides all over the country, I am shocked that others are so unaware. I am further dismayed when Oprah says “next we will discuss why you should care” – why you should care –what! Are there people who don’t care? I have no comprehension of this, I have no idea how you could not care, these are our brethren, our own, our country –men, women and children! Did you know 43% of single moms live at or below the poverty level! This horrible! Did you now most Americans are 2 pay checks away from poverty! I know all these statistics too well.

The show makes me appreciate what little I have even more. I am not saying I don’t get a little pissed when I see a show like this and the parents are obese and the children look like sticks, as I wonder how they can eat enough to be obese but that is not for me to say I don’t know the whole story. What I do know is I want to help every time I see stuff like this, and I know right now the hardest thing for me is I can not find anyone who wants my volunteer help. Again it is nice that no one needs my help they already have too many, but it still hurts me that I can’t help. Ah well, perhaps working at the shop is my volunteering for now.

Next week I hope I am not in such pain or at least that my face is not so horrific to look at.

August 8-12, 2008

For weeks my sister, dad and I had been searching for an airfare so that I might go home. I even recruited one of my manager’s moms who is a travel agent. On August 8^th we all gave up and I booked the cheapest flight I could find; a red-eye to Boston on Saturday returning first thing Sunday morning, needless to say the following will not include any riding.

I interrupted my boss to confirm it was ok with him if I was out of the office Monday and Tuesday, though  I had given him notice I might unexpectedly need to go I still wanted to get the a-ok, and did. The flight was booked, my dad was working on the first night hotel near my sister and I had booked the last night near the hotel. Now all I had to do was pack, clean, work and still make it to the plane on time on Saturday.

So Saturday was busy beyond belief, I needed to get done all my chores, errands, work at the shop, do an extra long work out to make up for missing Sunday’s, and get a walk in –wow. It was no problem at all something had told me to stay on top of the cleaning all week, so I had just my usual vacuuming and minor clean up to do, laundry was a must though, and everything else, but by the time I rolled back in the house at 3 pm I had accomplished it all and managed to get in a 4-1/2 hour walk.

I was just planning on driving as I always do but my adoptive family asked me to step out of my box and take them up on the offer of a ride, due to the cost and my fear I would be too tired to drive I did; though it was extremely difficult for me to ask for the help, it was made easier by their true willingness and offer to help. I arrived at the airport two hours ahead of time and was very glad I did.

I worked my way through the line to the kiosk for baggage check in, and could not get the computer to check me in. The flight attendant informed me that the flight was overbooked due to a change of planes at the last minute by 48 people! Oh my gosh, now I am wide awake and trying not to panic, as it is I would only have about 36 hours with my family if I made this flight if I didn’t who knew how little time I would have. Further, investigation revealed the option to take a non-stop on Jet Blue, I asked if I had to she said no so I declined. Having booked travel for years I know only too well how little recourse you have if you are on a different carrier then the ticket shows, and your luggage could end up any where. The woman behind me decided to go for it and I wished her luck.

Up to the terminal I walked for a little bit but not too long, between the fiasco at the check in desk and the long security line I was waiting to board in no time. While waiting the woman who had opted for the non-stop sat down next to me, so I asked what happened. What happened was that she stood in line for almost 1-1/2 hours at Jet Blue only to find out they could not figure out how to get the money from NW to allow her to ticket out on Jet Blue so she was on with me and said she wished she hadn’t tried for Jet Blue.

Ensconced in my seat (I requested an exit seat), I managed to get a few 20 minute naps probably totally about 2-1/2 hours, not enough but without a window to lean against it was difficult for me to get comfortable. We landed in Detroit and I learned how big the airport was, having to get from A30 to A66 watching the overhead indoor tram, and the electric walkways as I marched on my own two feet down to the connecting terminal. The sights and sounds and people in airports always amaze and entertain me, I wonder where people are going, what they are doing, and those that work at the airport intrigue me too.

With just a few minutes to spare I was boarded and seated on the flight to Boston, this time the plane was extremely empty, but lucky me I sat down next to two others. I figured I would wait until we were airborne then move to a more open situation. As I waited I listened to the two beside me talk about the family event they had just attended making judgmental comments about someone’s child eating too much bad food. I was trying desperately not to speak up, but this was coming out of the mouths of two people gorging on McD’s! And not fruit but Egg McMuffins and Hash browns! Finally, I managed to find a way to intercede politely we began to speak and what I thought was a husband/wife was really a brother and sister –in-law who had left their spouses back at the event. They informed me that they didn’t normally eat McD’s but that there was no other option, I very politely said that Starbucks had some really good options if they were interested for next time. I normally wouldn’t have said anything at all but they had been bad mouthing the parents of this child and the over-weight child for over 15 minutes!

With the plane in flight I politely asked if I could scoot by them and settle myself into an empty row to try and get a little more sleep. With little luck trying to sleep I stared out the window in amazement. I watched Boston come into view, noted what we were flying over, some I didn’t recognize some I did, this is home. I remember when I used to think the same flying into Seattle, not this time.

Touching down at Logan, I was determined not to cry. I called my parents to let them know I had landed then called my sister, who screamed so loud for so long others around me could hear her on my cell phone. I searched for a Starbucks and realized that I was in Dunkin Donuts land again, ah well no free coffee to be had so be it I am sure my parents would have made some that I can nab when we get to their home.

I waited as patiently as I could for them to arrive at the airport, but in my head I wanted to dance, to scream my joy out to the world, to show my happiness. My mother, father and I could not contain our breath taking hugs and happiness, though we knew we had to move along before airport security made our lives miserable. Upon arriving at their home I grabbed some coffee before jumping in the shower, much needed after sitting on planes and in airports for over 8 hours; I hate that dirty other people yucky feeling. Then it was off to my sisters for a visit.

I arrived to much fanfare, hugs and kisses. We chatted about schedules and such; determining my sister and I would scoot to the market so I could buy what I would need for dinner at the hotel, then when we returned they would eat lunch then we could walk and swim in my sisters pool.

At the market, we ran in to one person after the next that knew my sister (she has been an admin at the local high school for years), she introduced me to so many I couldn’t tell you for sure who I met. I loved the familiar sound of a New England accent, the happy way people greeted others, the finger raised in anger when someone almost hit my sisters truck and she beeped, I was home. I loved the sights of old farm houses, the mandatory 2 acre zoning that makes for gorgeous homes and lawns, the deciduous trees, with very few evergreens. Driving with my sister she was explaining how they lived in a hilly area, and I just had to laugh, having spent over 14 years in the Seattle area I know what is a hill, but no matter the environs were gorgeous.

Prices, I have to say my goodness! My parents and sister were complaining about gas but when I looked around I was hard pressed to find anything over $4!! And here we haven’t seen the other side of $4 since January! Then at the market I couldn’t believe how cheap produce was, and meat was so inexpensive I actually could afford a nice hunk of hamburger for dinner! It shocked me that here in the Boston area things could be so much cheaper then in Seattle.

Arriving back at my sisters home, my family sat down to meal of my fathers lobster rolls, and my sisters various sides, with dessert we had picked up at the market. I would not get my beloved lobster or donut holes on this trip, or my clam cakes oh well, it was wonderful enough just to have time with my family.

After lunch my sister, father, niece and I went for a lovely walk to a local farm stand where I was further shocked by the price of produce; $1.99 for a huge melon (not a pound for the entire melon), plums at under $1 a pound! Here I am hard pressed to find plums at under $3 a pound, and I saw grapes the other day on sale for $6.99 a pound (and you wonder why I can’t afford to buy produce). I was stunned and told my father and my sister what I was encountering, my dad asked if we had a farmers market and I said yes but more often then not the prices were even more expensive then the market.

Back at home and into our bathing suits out to the pool. Because of the rain they had been experiencing the pool felt really cold at first, but with a little teasing from my family I was in and swimming in no time. And lap after lap made me more joyful; I grew up with water in my soul and it is experiences like this that remind me how much it truly calms me to be in the water, it has been more years then I can recall since the last time I truly experienced a pool.

I was so calm and happy, I actually was lying in the sun enjoying chatting with my mom and sister and watching my niece play in the water, when my father called down to us. Of course no trip of mine whether a bike trip or not would be a “Rachel experience” without some silly encounter, and my father calling down to us at the pool will be one not soon forgotten. He was holding a bra and very small panties in his hands, turns out the little dogs my sister has thought my open suitcase contained toys and had strewn my clothes all over the living/dining room.

Needless to say my time at the pool was over, and it was time to get to the hotel. My sister, niece and I piled into one car and my parents into the other. We caravanned to the hotel, where I checked in. The entire family filed into the room to check it out. My niece begged to stay with me but it was time for me to sleep, and though I would have adored for her and my sister to stay with me I knew I needed to sleep I had been up for 40+ hours.

Of course I was already on my time so asleep by 6:30 and up of course at 1:45 am! Off for my run, what heaven I saw a skunk and a fox, I watched the beautiful old homes move by as I ran down the road enjoying the smells of the east coast so different from the west.

My sister arrived to pick me up at 8 am and we proceeded to a local restaurant for breakfast (well not me I had been up for hours but them). I loved watching the men gathering before work, construction workers, business men, and us. Friendly smiles from all not the don’t look around don’t smile you get in Seattle.

We made it to Boston after stopping briefly at my sisters new school to pick up her lap top, I couldn’t wait to get to Boston I didn’t care it was cool and rainy, I am used to that, I just wanted home. The plan was my sister, mom, and niece would walk with my dad and I to the Aquarium and my father and I would continue on our walk. He loves to walk as much as I do and oh what fun we had.

We wandered along the waterfront, past the new park, down through the North End and finally to a hotel that just blew me away. They had taken the old jail house and made it a posh hotel, it was incredible with the bars on the windows, a huge entry rotunda with the prison walks still intact. It was amazing. I just had to ask how much a room was oh $340-400+, some day maybe.

Back out walking we wandered up and around until we started back toward Quincy Market so I could search out a fudge place that I used to love. As we walked through City Hall Plaza I noticed several people carrying strange items all wearing the same shirts, we were not close enough for me to be sure but I said to my dad it looked like a scavenger hunt. As we started down the steps toward the street the group passed close enough that I could ask, sure enough it was just that a team building event scavenger hunt for guess who – Verizon Wireless. Oh my gosh was I excited, a job potentially but they were even more excited when they realized my father and I were Verizon customers one customer earned them 100 points! So my dad tried to keep up with us but finally gave up, so I told him I would call them when the hunt was done and meet my family at the restaurant they chose for lunch as I had already eaten (because of my sleep schedule I eat at very different times then they do).

I had so much fun running with this group, they needed pictures and more stuff but we only had 15 minutes, so jaywalking in moving traffic was a given. At one point they realized they needed a Superman so one of the guys lifted his shirt and another painted a huge S on his tummy with a ketchup packet. I don’t think I have laughed that hard in a very long time.

Rain pouring down all around us we made it back in time, and I stood with them until they received their 100 points for my presence, oh how I wished I could stay forever. I called my dad and made my way to the restaurant they were in, sat down and proceeded to regale them with the fun I just had. The day was flying by much to fast and I still wanted to get to China town and find that fudge. So I told everyone I would meet them back at the house, no way my dad wanted to come along he couldn’t resist the opportunity to walk some more (maybe this is why I can’t find a guy they would have to live up to my dad).

We worked our way through the market, no fudge, up to Downtown Crossing still nothing, into China town. In China town the we found an old corner shop with duck hanging in the window exactly as I used to get it on my way home when I lived and schooled in Boston. I ordered ½ a duck but I was so tempted to try one of everything from beef tendon to innards, I have no fear when it comes to food and truly enjoy trying everything at least once. I stuck with the duck promising myself I would return and try the others one day. Back out to South Station my dad suggested I look in on a bakery there, and sure enough chose what would be a cookie almost as good as mine, a Chocolate Glob – chocolate brownie like base with nuts (add chocolate chips and it would have been perfect).

As usual my father took the elevator but I took the stairs. On my way up I met my parents neighbor who I adore Paola. We were chatting about everything so I joined her on the elevator. As we disembarked my dad was on his way down the hall nervous as I had not arrived. We had a reunion of sorts with Paola and her son Tony, before it was time to bid everyone good bye. I told my sister I would not cry but my niece was begging for me to stay and that we needed to figure out how to get me back home.

Driving to the hotel we were not too talkative the dread of what was to come weighing heavily. The hotel was a dive under construction but it was the only thing I could find for under $300 in near the airport. My parents followed me up to the room and got me settled in; my time clock was kicking in and I was fading fast. Our good byes were too sad to write of even now, I refused to cry I knew if I did I wouldn’t stop or I wouldn’t return to Seattle one or the other.

As I sat in the room enjoying the duck, I realized that in the few hours or so I had been in Boston, I had met more people and had more fun then in the last 3 years in Seattle. I am sorry to say the feel in Seattle just doesn’t seem to change, people around me tell me to get out more etc, but it is now even more obvious then ever to me that Seattle is just an odd place. I can tell you as well that I stopped counting how many guys looked at me twice in Boston and smiled at me when I smiled at them; as noted many times I have not seen that same reaction here in Seattle for over 3 years! Maybe I just look too east coast who knows.

My trips on the plane were quick and easy. I arrived in Seattle on time. I had chosen to take a shuttle home rather then bother anyone for a ride as I needed to get home in time to get to my pre-op appointment. Waiting on the shuttle my name and another was called, low and behold we would not be in a van but in a town car how cool is that. I had time to get to know the elderly gentleman beside me in the back seat, and then the driver was so impressed by my knowledge on how to get the gentleman to his destination, better then the dash gps, he shut off the gps and asked me to take him to my house. He had been driving for 30 years and didn’t know the short cut I took him on. He even asked me if I ever thought of driving, I said of course but no benefits and he agreed it could be tough.

Walking to my appointment (yes single girls must live close to drs and hospitals as we have to be able to walk if we need help), I passed the trees now laden with fruit that would go un-picked, uneaten. I passed a tree covered with beautiful pears and I longed so to grab one. I passed cherry trees burdened with their fruit, and blackberry bushes still green with a few ripe berries. I have marked out areas that I think I can pick the berries without being on private property but other fruits are usually on someone’s land.

My pre-op went well and I was soon back at my place, no longer “home” just a place to rest my weary head. No riding other then 15 miles on Saturday to get my chores done, and I am not sure how much riding I will do this coming weekend as I have oral surgery on Friday.

Until next weekend care to all.

August 2-3, 2008

August, no it can’t be. I still have not taken my electric blanket off the bed and actually have been using it on a regular basis. This is crazy it should be 80-90 and I should be pushing the blankets off at night not grabbing more or turning the electric one on!

This weekend I want so badly to just ride and ride and ride, not work; no such luck, the bike was in the shop any way. Friday, I had to take a ½ day just to pick her up, I save my “please drop her off for me” for the winter months when riding my bicycle is just too painful. So I left work at 11 am to do the single girl swap, drive to the dealer in the truck, grab the bike, walk back to pick up the truck; some day some day there will be others in my life who can help with nonsense like this. Thank goodness I have four vacation days I have to use up by end of September or loose them.

Saturday and I have to work, but I really want to ride. I try instead to workout extra hard, clean the house for the millionth time and ignore the need to ride, no such luck. I am out the door before 6 am and aimlessly cruising around through Duvall, Woodinville, etc, a mere 65 miles but it made me happy. I had told a friend I would be stopping by to visit, his wife just passed and I wanted to swing over to see how he was doing and give him a hug.

I pulled in the lot and knocked on his door. I did not expect too much they had been married for years so I expected he would be hurting, what surprised me was how hard it was for me to hold back when he said he would not live with out a woman in his life, and his kids were his only reason for living right now. He said in no uncertain terms he would not live like I do that he could not!

My brain froze, my whole body started to shake I wanted to scream at him at the world at everything. This man had been married for years to a woman he adored, and he had family, friends, and children all supporting him right now in his time of need – I have absolutely no one! He is upset about being lonely for a few weeks, when low and behold he has been visited constantly by a woman friend, and others. I can’t even find someone to go to the movies with or coffee and thinks he is lonely! I didn’t say anything I knew he didn’t mean to hurt me; I was there to listen to him and he was just vocalizing, but it did hurt.

I was dazed, actually I was probably in shock when I left. I felt horrible for what he was going through but part of me was truly upset that he did not even understand “alone.” And I am sure I don’t understand others “alone” but my own self loathing loneliness tore me up inside. I rode to the house and immediately was back outside. I didn’t want to be in my house alone. I walked to work, but was so fast I was finished with all my calls in an hour; then back out the door walking again. I truly appreciate that the dealership lets me come to work every Saturday as I can’t imagine how lonely I would be right now without this minor diversion, at least I can see people come and go, and even though 90% of the time I am just leaving voicemail I feel as if I am helping the dealership and Dave.

I tried desperately to forget the widower’s vocalized pain. I tried to truly appreciate the smell of the roses I walked by, I tried desperately to appreciate the first blackberry I would taste this season it was not quite ripe and its soft texture merged with a sharp tartness that I could not truly appreciate. Unable to push the loneliness away I walked until I was dizzy with exhaustion and couldn’t walk any more; I didn’t want to go home I couldn’t bare the thought of being alone his desperation haunted me. I know what he said is simply what I have been thinking for years, but to hear it so rawly vocalized was ripping my soul, my faith and hope to shreds. Living without another was not bearable it was truly horrible.

Another I know had told me over and over that I am over-sensitive to being alone. He came to this conclusion based on what he knows of my past. I have tried over and over to debate him on this as he has never been alone, his house is filled with a wife and children, his family surrounds him locally, and he has friends galore, that with this support system I don’t think he can truly understand what I am dealing with and that I don’t think I am overly sensitive. Hearing the widower express his unguarded openly raw emotional rhetoric truly hit home that I was not the only one who felt that “alone” was truly not meant for humans. That my years alone were beyond what anyone should have to endure unless by choice and my “alone” was never by choice. 

I tried to sleep but my night terrors were the worst I had had in years, not surprising considering what my brain was fighting with. I decided money be darned I needed to ride, hoping that this would ease the pain that was eating me from the inside out.

Hard workout, though it is times like these I wonder why I even bother, no one looks twice at me any way it wouldn’t matter if I were in shape or not, fat or skinny; then of course more cleaning all before I consider it a decent hour to go out the door for a ride. I grab my passport craving several candy bars I can only get in Canada, figuring if I have the time I will scoot up and over the border then home. I head due north on the freeway it is much too dark to brave the back roads or so I tell myself until I get to Everett, it is still dark and the fog is smoothly coating the roads but I am tired of I-5 so I turn off at Rte 2 toward Rte 9.

I love that the roads are bare of cages for now, the gas prices have certainly taken a chunk out of tourist traffic. I stop briefly for gas and a bathroom break out side of Sedro Woolley before continuing on Rte 9 due north. The fog is now thick as “pea soup” and I have to slow my speeds significantly, not to worry though I need the calm quiet of the road and the hum of the bike.

I can not see the mountains but I can sense them, especially when the temperatures drop to well below 50, I am so glad I had the forethought to gear up for a winter ride though it is August. I wind down the roads passing the quiet small towns, longing for an easier carefree life style but knowing in my heart no 24-hr supermarkets or libraries would drive me batty in a matter of months. I pass by a small building that always beckons, there are so many of these on every standard route I have, strange little buildings that call to me for love and a creative mind, one day I tell myself I will have my café.

As I near the end of 9 I decide to work my way toward Sumas I am debating the timing and if I think I can cross the border find my candy and make it home in time to finish my grocery shopping and go for a walk. I head north on Nooksack Road and decide at the intersection of 546 it is time to head south, the fog has been too thick for the beautiful views and the cold is really getting to me.

I don’t mind the ride has been wonderful so far, so south I go to 531 to I-5. This far north on I-5 is wonderful. The fog is still dense but on the freeway it is easy for me to move along at speed. I turn off for gas just near Lake McMurray, but continue on the freeway until I near Woodinville, then the bug gets me and I turn off for more back road riding. I swung out Rte 522 into Maltby then just wandered around somehow making my way through Carnation near Ames Lake and then back into Redmond before deciding it was time to go food shopping then home to try and warn up.

It took me a ½ hour on the stationary bike to warm up enough to even attempt to go for a walk. I keep telling myself it has got to warm up soon, though it was a good thing I wasted ½ hour as the sun finally beat back the overcast foggy morning. I knew the blue angels were in town but that doesn’t stop me from walking, I just try to modify my walks to avoid the cage traffic so I can have some peace and quiet on my walks to hear Vinyl Café (a must listen) and the Splendid Table! Wow this weekend the roving couple on the Splendid Table found a 12x12x12 cinnamon roll in Loveland, CO – I checked the map is it about 1200 miles from here, I might just have to check it out.

As I walked I tried once again not to dwell on the nothing to go home to foreboding sense. I soaked in the glorious sunshine, not too hot not too cold just right. I wandered in the ritzy neighborhoods for hours before making my way back toward downtown where I need to swing by the library to pick up a movie on hold. I decided to waste more time walking the park, I dreaded going home but was already weakening at about 3 hours of walking as I had been walking for last two days, and working out and riding. I wandered smiling at those I passed, saying hi to those who made eye contact. There was one woman who I wanted to talk to she was just bopping along listening to some music that made her just move. I wanted to ask her if she was interested in a walking with someone else, but I thought better of it she was just having too much fun. I passed tons of couples walking together, and my hand fluttered with the ghosts of hands past, and longed for a hand now; how funny humans need touch as much as we do. I watched a young couple teasing each other as they lay on a blanket waiting for the blue angels, and an elderly couple walking together chatting.

I could hear the roar long before I could see them, at the park we were not high enough to see them over Lake Washington, but when the rocketed high up for the cooler maneuvers the blue angels made me smile. I continued wasting time at the park until I knew I would not make it home if I walked too much longer, just as I was making my way past the mall they buzzed over head rocking my insides and the windows around me and setting off car alarms in the parking lot! I know they are made for war but they are amazing to watch.

I scoot in the library and there is a nice looking man looking over the stacks I am near, he doesn’t not give me a second look, I have long since outgrown pretty or even cute, now I am just another middle aged single woman who does not cause anyone to look twice. I try not to let it bother me I have never been a looker, but there were times when I was younger that at least people would look over, now I blend in with the surroundings as if I do not exist. Funny I see everyone, I love to see people truly appreciate them no matter what they look like, wonder what they do, who they are what their life experiences are. Maybe that is why I make eye contact as much as I do and say hi as often as I can get away with.

I am listening to the Splendid Table when I pass by the smell of ribs on the barbeque, my mouth is already watering from the description of the 12x12x12 cinnamon roll. Then an interview commences about sushi now I am getting really hungry and progresses to cheese – when all of a sudden the memory of a 1970’s cheese my parents always used to serve (before they became true gourmands) it came in a crock I can’t remember the name of it but it had a really strong flavor and we used to spread it on Ritz crackers before anyone knew what was healthy or not.

I enter my house and the loneliness hits me like a wall. The kitty used to great me at the door, unless of course the sun was too strong and she was playing stuck up, but I knew she would be there, no more. I may not have been married for years but I had someone to come home to, now nothing, I envy those who at least have a pet or friends or something to ease the “alone.”

Perhaps this too shall pass, tomorrow I will wake and start my work week again, next Saturday I will walk to the shop and work hopefully long enough to ease my “alone” and Monday I will start all over again. In my heart I know I should be grateful, and that I must be here for a reason but then again maybe none of us was.